By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
When survivors of abuse begin to break free—whether through physical distance, legal steps like divorce, or emotional detachment—it is not uncommon to receive heartfelt, emotional, and seemingly repentant messages from their former partner. These messages are often laced with promises, declarations of love, and dreams of a peaceful future.
On the surface, they can sound sincere. Even romantic.
But dig a little deeper, and the subtext reveals something more complex—and in many cases, more dangerous. What may look like a plea for reconciliation is often, psychologically, an attempt to regain control.
Let’s take a closer look.
A Message Full of Emotion… But Whose Emotions Matter Most?
The message you received is long, passionate, and filled with statements that sound like love:
“I love you with all my heart and soul.”
“Please meet me for coffee, just you and me.”
“We can enjoy a beautiful future together.”
But here’s the problem: almost every single sentence centers around his emotions, his desires, and his fears.
- His fear of the divorce.
- His fear of the cancer.
- His need for the house sale to happen his way.
- His promise that you “don’t need legal protection” because he’s “not controlling anymore.”
The message is not about understanding your pain, acknowledging your experience of abuse, or offering you space to heal. It’s about easing his discomfort.
That’s not love. That’s control disguised as affection.
What’s Really Being Said? A Breakdown
Let’s interpret some of these lines through a psychological lens:
“I love you with all my heart and soul… just meet me for a coffee.”
➡️ This is emotional bait. It’s designed to lower your guard. But love without accountability is not love—it’s manipulation.
“There is absolutely no danger to you… you don’t need legal protection.”
➡️ This is a red flag. The very fact that he brings this up shows an awareness that danger existed. And survivors are the only ones who get to decide what they need to feel safe. Dismissing your need for legal protection is, paradoxically, a form of continued control.
“It’s getting a bit out of hand for nothing.”
➡️ This is minimization. It’s a classic gaslighting tactic meant to make you question the legitimacy of your experience. Abuse is never “nothing.”
“Let’s sell the house and buy a smaller one, enjoy the difference.”
➡️ This sounds cooperative, but it’s a ploy to keep you financially entangled. Staying in business with someone who has shown they can’t be trusted emotionally or legally is extremely risky for a survivor. Financial dependency is a common thread in cycles of abuse.
“I am not a controlling person anymore… I can reverse my UK will.”
➡️ This is future-faking and rewriting history. True change takes time, therapy, insight, and action—not promises written in desperation.
The Danger of ‘The Honeymoon Phase’ in Abuse
In the cycle of abuse, there is a well-known pattern:
- Tension builds.
- Abuse occurs.
- Reconciliation or honeymoon phase.
- Calm.
- Tension begins again.
This message falls squarely into the reconciliation or honeymoon phase—where promises are made, affection is shown, and the abuser seeks to draw the survivor back in.
But here’s the catch: without sustained change and accountability, this phase never lasts. And over time, the cycle only escalates.
What Does Real Change Look Like?
It doesn’t look like a text message or a promise of coffee.
It looks like:
- Long-term therapy for the abuser.
- Acknowledgement of the harm caused.
- Zero pressure on the survivor.
- Respect for legal boundaries and choices.
- An acceptance that the relationship may be over, and that the survivor owes them nothing.
Why This Message Is Dangerous
The most dangerous form of manipulation isn’t rage or screaming—it’s calm, emotionally intelligent messaging that makes you second-guess yourself. That’s what this is.
This kind of messaging creates emotional confusion. It blends romantic language with denial of wrongdoing. It can leave survivors wondering:
“Am I overreacting?”
“Maybe he really has changed.”
“Am I being cruel for not meeting him for coffee?”
Let me say this clearly: you are not overreacting. You are reclaiming your life.
A Final Word for Survivors Reading This
If someone ever tells you, “There’s no need for legal protection,” that is exactly when you need it most.
If someone says, “Let’s keep this just between us,” you must tell someone.
If someone says, “I’ve changed,” ask them what they’ve done—not what they’ve promised.
And if someone tells you, “I love you,” but denies your reality, that is not love. That is manipulation.
Linda C J Turner Therapy is here to support survivors who are navigating the post-abuse landscape, including manipulative communication and financial intimidation. You do not have to face this alone.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
