By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
For years, I lived in a fog of deception, manipulation, and control.
At first, I couldn’t see it — how could I?
When you are deeply embedded in an environment built on lies, secrecy, and emotional deprivation, it becomes your “normal.” You stop questioning it. You stop questioning them.
And worst of all — you start questioning yourself.
The red flags were always there.
But like so many survivors, I had been conditioned to doubt my instincts, to suppress my needs, and to accept the unacceptable.
The Power of “No” — A Tool of Control
One word came to define so much of my life with him: NO.
- No to furniture I loved.
- No to celebrating Christmas or birthdays properly.
- No to family visits and simple outings that brought me joy.
- No even in the most intimate corners of our relationship.
- No to anything that might make me feel seen, heard, or cherished.
When someone’s automatic response to your happiness is “No,” it’s not about love.
It’s about control.
Psychologically, this tactic is known as deprivation-based abuse — withholding joy, connection, or basic emotional needs in order to break your spirit slowly over time.
It’s a silent, insidious form of dominance, and it works by chipping away at your self-worth until you believe that wanting anything at all is wrong.
Secrecy, Head Games, and Locked Briefcases
It wasn’t just the constant rejection of joy.
There was secrecy — always a locked briefcase, hidden conversations, a refusal to share simple, everyday parts of life.
There were mind games — subtle twists of words, small gaslighting moments that made me second-guess my reality.
These behaviors are classic hallmarks of emotional and psychological abuse:
- Secrecy fosters mistrust and isolation.
- Gaslighting erodes your confidence in your perceptions.
- Withholding affection or validation keeps you in a perpetual state of trying harder, hoping for approval that never comes.
When love is conditional and happiness is treated as a threat, you are not in a relationship — you are in a power imbalance.
The Breakthrough: Stepping Outside the Fog
It wasn’t until I physically and emotionally stepped away — with the help of experts, therapists, and people who truly cared — that I could finally see the truth clearly.
Sometimes, all it takes is a few months outside of the toxicity to recognize:
- You were not “too sensitive.”
- You were not “too demanding.”
- You were not imagining the loneliness, the tension, the gut-deep sense that something wasn’t right.
Your body knew. Your heart knew. Your soul knew.
Healing: A Return to Joy, Peace, and Authentic Love
Today, I feel something I hadn’t felt in years:
Peace.
Appreciation.
Real love.
I am surrounded by people who want nothing from me except my happiness.
People who smile when they see me smile.
People who believe that my joy is a gift, not a threat.
Life is breathtakingly short.
And now, every single day, I am committed to living it fully — without shame, without fear, and without looking over my shoulder.
I will never go back to that unfamiliar world of control, deprivation, and loneliness disguised as “love.”
Because real love doesn’t say “No” to your happiness.
Real love says, “Yes, let’s make you even happier.“
Real love says, “Your joy is my joy.“
Final Words to Anyone Still Struggling in Silence
If you feel the nagging sense that something is wrong, trust yourself.
If joy feels like something you have to beg for, understand: you are not asking for too much. You are asking the wrong person.
Step outside.
Breathe fresh air.
Let people who truly care guide you back to yourself.
You deserve a life where “Yes” is a natural response to your dreams.
You deserve a life of peace, laughter, and love.
And it’s never too late to reclaim it.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
