By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
Why do some abusers intentionally choose significant days — birthdays, holidays, life milestones — to inflict harm?
Psychological science and neuroscience offer clear, sobering explanations.
The cruelty is often not impulsive.
It is a calculated mechanism rooted in disordered emotional regulation, pathological insecurity, and the neurobiology of control.
1. Abuse is About Power, Not Emotion
At its core, abuse is not a failure of emotional regulation alone — it is a strategic exertion of dominance.
- Psychological studies show that many abusers use emotional harm to destabilize their victims’ sense of safety and autonomy.
- Significant days represent autonomy, happiness, and connection — all threats to an abuser’s control.
- By disrupting these moments, the abuser reasserts psychological dominance: “You are not allowed joy unless I grant it.”
2. Pathological Envy and Narcissistic Wounds
Clinical research into narcissistic and borderline personality structures reveals profound underlying shame and pathological envy.
- When a victim is celebrated, loved, or joyful without the abuser’s involvement, it triggers internalized feelings of inadequacy.
- These feelings activate defensive rage — a neurobiological survival response driven by the amygdala.
- Rather than processing these emotions adaptively, the abuser externalizes their discomfort by attacking the source of the threat: the victim’s happiness.
In essence, your joy unconsciously “attacks” their fragile self-image — and they retaliate.
3. Neuroscience of Dysregulation: Amygdala Hijacking
Abusers often exhibit poor prefrontal cortex modulation over the limbic system, particularly the amygdala.
- The amygdala detects threats (real or imagined) and triggers emotional reactions.
- In a healthy brain, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control, reasoning, and empathy) moderates these surges.
- In abusive personalities, this modulation is often impaired — leading to unchecked emotional reactions (rage, jealousy, cruelty) that override rational behavior.
This dynamic is known as “amygdala hijacking” (Goleman, 1995) — emotional responses that are fast, overwhelming, and out of proportion to the actual situation.
4. Sadistic Reward Mechanisms (in Severe Cases)
Neuroimaging studies suggest that individuals with pronounced antisocial or narcissistic traits may experience dopaminergic reward when inflicting suffering.
- The nucleus accumbens, a key structure in the brain’s reward circuitry, may show increased activation during acts of domination or cruelty.
- This creates a reinforcement loop: causing pain becomes neurologically rewarding, making cruelty more likely to be repeated over time.
In these cases, cruelty is not just about control — it is linked to a dysfunctional form of emotional gratification.
Clinical Conclusion
Deliberate cruelty on meaningful days is not random.
It is a predictable manifestation of disordered neuropsychological functioning, deeply rooted in insecurity, impaired emotional regulation, and dysfunctional reward processing.
The goal is simple:
- Destroy autonomy.
- Contaminate hope.
- Reclaim psychological control.
Final Note:
If your special days were weaponized against you, understand:
It was never about you.
It was always about their own profound emotional deficits.
Your happiness is not the threat they made it seem.
It is your birthright — and reclaiming it is one of the most powerful acts of healing you can undertake.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
