Leaving an abusive relationship is often painted as the “happy ending” in movies and stories — a moment of triumph when the survivor is met with open arms, compassion, and support.
But in reality, for many survivors, the journey after leaving can feel even more brutal and isolating than the relationship itself. One of the toughest, most heartbreaking lessons is this: don’t expect honesty, empathy, or loyalty from the abuser’s family or even from some people you once trusted.
And here’s why — both psychologically and emotionally.
The Psychology of Family Loyalty and Denial
In abusive family systems, denial is a powerful survival mechanism. Many family members know about the abuse — they have seen it, heard it, perhaps even experienced it themselves.
But acknowledging it would require them to confront uncomfortable truths: that they allowed it, that they are complicit by their silence, that they benefited from keeping it hidden.
Psychologists call this “cognitive dissonance.” When faced with information that clashes with their self-image (“we are a good family,” “we aren’t responsible for abuse”), people often distort reality instead of facing it. They might minimize the abuse, blame the victim, or pretend it never happened — because admitting the truth would force them to look at their own guilt, their own cowardice, and sometimes, their own cruelty.
Thus, their loyalty is not to truth or justice — it is to the illusion of peace and to the maintenance of the status quo. You, as the brave soul who dares to speak up, threaten the carefully built facade they rely on.
You become the problem — not the abuse itself.
When Money Is Involved, Morality Often Disappears
As if betrayal weren’t painful enough, financial interests can make it worse.
When inheritance, property, or business interests are at stake, survivors of abuse often find themselves dehumanizedeven further.
In these moments, family members may not see you as a person who has endured physical, emotional, or financial torment.
They see you as a threat to their financial security.
Psychological studies on greed and moral disengagement show that when money is involved, people often rationalize unethical behavior to protect their interests. They convince themselves that you are “overreacting,” “unstable,” or “manipulative,” because labeling you as such makes it easier to justify cutting you out, discrediting you, and prioritizing their gain over your pain.
In their minds, “It’s not personal; it’s practical.”
But to you, it is another deep betrayal.
Understanding the “Family Turn Against You” Phenomenon
When a survivor steps away from an abuser, it’s not just one relationship ending — it threatens an entire system that depended on silence, denial, and often on your continued suffering.
From a family systems therapy perspective, abusive families operate like dysfunctional organisms. Each person plays a role: the abuser, the enabler, the silent bystander, the scapegoat.
When you, the scapegoat or truth-teller, break free and start telling the truth, it destabilizes the whole system.
Instead of dealing with the painful reality, the system seeks to expel the “problem” — and tragically, that often means expelling you.
It feels personal because it is personal.
It feels brutal because it is brutal.
But it is also predictable in toxic family dynamics.
A Message to Those Walking This Road
If you are walking away from abuse and finding yourself surrounded not by compassion but by betrayal, please know:
- It is not your fault. Their lack of empathy is not a reflection of your worth or of your truth.
- You are not crazy. Gaslighting thrives in these environments; standing firm in your reality is an act of supreme courage.
- You are not alone. Many, many survivors walk this lonely road at first — but freedom, healing, and genuine connection lie on the other side.
You will lose people.
But you will lose the ones who were never truly on your side.
And you will gain something far more precious: your peace, your truth, your future.
Final Thoughts: Honesty and Empathy Are Gifts, Not Guarantees
Expecting honesty and empathy from people who thrive in denial and self-interest is like expecting a snake not to bite you because you loved it once.
It’s not about you being unworthy of love or truth — it’s about their incapacity to offer what they don’t possess.
Hold tight to your truth, no matter who tries to silence you.
You are not here to make others comfortable.
You are here to heal, to rise, and to create a life built on real love, real respect, and real freedom.
And that is something they can never take from you.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
