By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
Some people will lie on your name.
They’ll twist the truth.
They’ll paint themselves as the victim and you as the villain.
And the wildest part?
They’ll do it with such conviction that even you might start to doubt your own memory.
This isn’t just betrayal.
It’s character assassination wrapped in emotional self-preservation.
So why do people do this? Why can’t they just tell the truth?
Let’s take a deep dive into the psychology behind this manipulative behavior—because understanding it is part of taking your power back.
🎭 The Real Reason They Lie About You
When someone has wronged you—whether through betrayal, abandonment, or emotional harm—they often face two choices:
- Face the truth: Admit they hurt someone good, own their behavior, and sit with the guilt and consequences.
- Reframe the truth: Twist the narrative so you become the problem. That way, they get to dodge accountability and keep their self-image intact.
Unfortunately, many choose the latter.
Why? Because for some people, especially those with fragile egos or narcissistic tendencies, shame is unbearable. Their self-worth is so dependent on appearing “good” or “right” that admitting they were wrong would shatter their internal world. So they lie—not just to others, but to themselves.
🧠 The Psychology Behind the Storytelling
Here’s what’s really happening beneath the surface:
🔄 Projection
They take the traits or behaviors they cannot face in themselves—selfishness, cruelty, deceit—and unconsciously project them onto you.
Suddenly you become the controlling one. You were the manipulative one. They aren’t bad… you are.
🔀 Deflection
Instead of addressing their guilt or harmful actions, they deflect attention away from themselves. Every time the spotlight gets too close, they change the subject—or change the story. You’re now the “jealous ex,” the “unstable friend,” or the “bitter family member.”
🎭 Victim-playing
They create a drama where they are always the innocent party. This allows them to elicit sympathy, gather allies, and paint you as unreasonable or abusive—without ever examining what they actually did.
🧩 Cognitive Dissonance
When actions and self-image don’t align, the brain experiences discomfort. So they alter the memory of what happened to reduce this tension. This can be subconscious or intentional, but either way, it’s dangerous—because they begin to believe their own version of events.
🕯️ What This Does to the Victim
If you’ve been on the receiving end of this, you know how devastating it can be.
You may:
- Begin to question your memory or emotions (“Was I overreacting?”)
- Feel isolated as others believe the false version of you
- Experience gaslighting, even when the relationship is over
- Grieve the loss of your reputation, not just the relationship
- Feel deep rage and helplessness, especially when truth is twisted into lies
This is not just painful—it’s traumatic.
Your identity is under attack. Your truth is being rewritten. And the people you once trusted may now view you through a lens that was built on lies.
🧘♀️ How to Reclaim Your Truth and Power
1. Stay Anchored in Reality
You may never convince everyone. But you know what happened. Keep a journal. Speak to a therapist. Talk to people who saw the truth. Remind yourself daily: They’re rewriting history to feel better about themselves. That has nothing to do with my worth.
2. Don’t Play Their Game
You don’t have to defend yourself to everyone who’s been fed a false narrative. That’s exhausting and pointless. Instead, live in a way that contradicts their lies. Let your energy, peace, and consistency speak louder than rumors.
3. Grieve the Betrayal
Because that’s what this is—deep betrayal. It’s okay to feel anger, sadness, and heartbreak. Grieve not just the relationship, but the loss of your reputation and the pain of being misunderstood.
4. Understand Their Limitations
This isn’t about you being “too much” or “too sensitive.” It’s about their inability to hold themselves accountable. That’s their limitation—not your failure.
5. Refuse to Carry Their Guilt
They may never apologize. They may never admit what they did. But don’t let their avoidance become your burden. Their guilt, their lies, their story—it’s theirs. Not yours to carry.
🔥 A Truth to Hold Onto
They’re not lying because you were the villain.
They’re lying because you were good—and they can’t live with the fact that they hurt someone who truly cared.
So they rewrite the story.
They cast themselves as the victim.
And they paint you in whatever colors justify their actions.
Let them.
Because while they live in fiction, you’re free to live in truth.
And truth, no matter how painful, will always set you free.
💬 Final Words
If you’ve been misrepresented, slandered, or used as a scapegoat—you are not alone. This happens to some of the most loving, loyal, and light-filled people, especially after trauma bonds or emotionally abusive dynamics.
But your story doesn’t end with their version.
In fact, that’s often where your real healing begins.
So take back your narrative.
Speak your truth, even if only to yourself.
And remember: you are not what they say you are.
You are what you know yourself to be.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
