By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
There comes a time — often after heartbreak, trauma, or years of emotional burnout — when the things we once thought we wanted in a partner begin to change.
✨ The dazzling charisma? ✨ The unpredictable passion? ✨ The intoxicating highs?
They stop feeling like love. And start feeling like danger dressed as desire.
We begin to crave something else. Something quieter. Deeper. Safer.
We crave connection.
The kind that doesn’t need to perform.
The kind that doesn’t disappear.
The kind that doesn’t leave us questioning our worth every other day.
🧠 Why We’re Drawn to Dazzle Before Connection
Psychologically speaking, many people — especially those who experienced unmet emotional needs or trauma in childhood — are drawn to partners who create emotional intensity. Why?
Because intensity can mimic intimacy.
In the early stages of healing, the nervous system is often wired to equate love with drama, chasing, or proving our value.
These dynamics activate our attachment wounds. They feel familiar — not because they’re healthy, but because they mirror our earliest emotional experiences.
We’re not seeking love. We’re unconsciously seeking resolution.
🧬 From Surviving to Thriving: The Shift Toward Healthy Love
As we heal — through therapy, self-awareness, support, and sometimes heartbreak — we begin to rewire what “love” feels like.
Instead of craving the person who dazzles us with grand gestures but leaves us emotionally starved…
We crave the person who sees us. Holds us. Chooses us — not just once, but consistently.
This is the slow magic of earned secure attachment:
🌿 Conversations that nourish, not confuse
🌿 Emotional availability over charm
🌿 Safety over intensity
🌿 A soft place to land, not a battlefield
This kind of love may not come with fireworks — but it brings peace.
And for many of us, peace is the most thrilling love we’ve never known.
💬 “I’m Not Looking to Be Dazzled…”
This isn’t about lowering standards — it’s about raising emotional ones.
You’re not asking for too much when you ask for:
🔸 Respect
🔸 Reliability
🔸 Emotional presence
🔸 A partner who can hold space, not just attention
🔸 Someone who makes you feel safe, not small
You’re simply asking to be loved in a way that your nervous system can finally relax into. A love that doesn’t set off alarm bells, but soothes the very wounds you’ve worked so hard to heal.
❤️ The Psychology of True Connection
True connection is built on:
💞 Attachment security – The ability to be emotionally available, consistent, and attuned
💞 Emotional safety – Where you can express needs without fear of punishment or shame
💞 Mutual vulnerability – The courage to be real, raw, and still deeply loved
💞 Interdependence – Two whole people choosing to build something sacred, side by side
This kind of connection doesn’t demand perfection — it asks for presence.
It’s not about finding someone who dazzles the room.
It’s about finding someone who anchors your soul.
🌱 Final Thought: You Deserve the Real Thing
If you’re done with chaos, manipulation, or performing for crumbs, know this:
You are not bitter.
You are not too guarded.
You are simply wise.
You’ve learned to listen to your body when it says, “This feels safe.”
You’ve learned to value peace over potential.
You’ve learned that being deeply known is worth more than being temporarily impressed.
So hold out for the kind of love that doesn’t dazzle and disappear.
Hold out for the kind of love that stays.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
