A Psychological Perspective for Survivors and Advocates
By Linda C J Turner Therapy

“You can’t heal in the same environment that broke you. But you can understand it — and finally set yourself free.”

In the complex world of emotional abuse, one of the most disorienting realities for survivors is that many abusers genuinely believe they are the ones being harmed.

This can be maddening. You gather the courage to confront the behavior, only to be told you’re the abuser, you’re overreacting, or you’re trying to control them.

And here’s the confusing part — sometimes they really believe that. Not just to manipulate, but because their internal compass is fundamentally skewed. Understanding this from a psychological lens doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can offer survivors the clarity and validation they desperately deserve.

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💡 When Toxic Is Normal: Dysfunction as a Blueprint

Many emotionally abusive individuals were raised in environments where manipulation, control, gaslighting, or emotional volatility were the norm. These patterns are not just learned — they’re often internalized as the only way to relate.

From a psychological perspective:

• Attachment theory shows us how inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive caregiving leads to unhealthy relational patterns.
• Social learning theory explains how behavior is modeled and repeated, especially by those who never experienced a safe, emotionally secure relationship.

So when someone grows up in a household where control equals love, or emotional withdrawal equals safety, they don’t always recognize their behavior as abusive — to them, it’s just “how relationships work.”

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🧠 Why They See Themselves as the Victim

Emotional abusers often operate from a fragile ego, deeply threatened by criticism or challenge. They build an identity that protects them from their own unacknowledged shame, and anything that threatens that identity — such as a partner setting boundaries or speaking up — is perceived as an attack.

Some core psychological defenses they often employ include:

• Projection – blaming others for the very behaviors they are exhibiting.
• Gaslighting – intentionally or unintentionally rewriting reality to protect their self-image.
• Cognitive dissonance – reconciling the belief “I’m a good person” with harmful actions by twisting the narrative to avoid discomfort.

The result? They truly believe they’re the one under siege. And because they don’t feel abusive — they feel misunderstood, provoked, or attacked — they don’t seek help. In their world, there’s simply nothing to fix.

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⚠️ No Insight = No Change

Therapists often say: “Insight precedes change.”

If someone doesn’t see a problem, they won’t look for a solution. And herein lies the tragic loop:

🚫 They don’t reflect.
🚫 They don’t take accountability.
🚫 They don’t grow.

Instead, they may move from one relationship to another, leaving behind confused, heartbroken partners, convinced the issue is always “someone else.”

This is why emotional abuse often escalates over time and why many abusers resist therapy unless they face a major loss or legal consequence. Change is hard — especially when it threatens a deeply ingrained survival strategy.

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❌ This Doesn’t Make Them Innocent

Let’s be clear: understanding where abuse comes from does not mean excusing it. Adults are responsible for healing their wounds, not wounding others in the name of pain.

At some point, emotional abuse stops being a trauma response and becomes a choice — especially when the harm is pointed out and the abuser still refuses to change.

Compassion for someone’s pain is important. But so is accountability. And survivors have every right to walk away from those who refuse to do the work.

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💛 For Survivors: You’re Not Crazy — You’re Seeing Clearly

If you’ve ever been told you’re the problem, that you’re too emotional, too dramatic, too much — know this:

• You are not imagining it.
• You are not unlovable.
• You are not to blame.

What you’re experiencing is a person operating from a distorted reality — and trying to pull you into it. Don’t go. You don’t have to live in a world where love means fear, where disagreement means war, and where your feelings are treated like weaknesses.

Healing begins the moment you stop waiting for someone to acknowledge your pain and start acknowledging it yourself.

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“It’s not your job to fix someone who doesn’t think they’re broken. It’s your job to reclaim your peace, your truth, and your life.”

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✨ Need Support?

At Linda C J Turner Therapy, I work with survivors of emotional abuse, narcissistic trauma, and toxic relationship dynamics. My mission is to help you make sense of what you’ve lived through — and step into the life you were always meant to have.

🧠 Specialties: Emotional abuse recovery | Trauma-informed therapy | Healing attachment wounds | Neuroscience in therapy

📍 Based in Spain, supporting clients globally
💬 For a free 20-minute consultation, reach out via

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