đź’” TRAUMA BONDING: When You Miss the Person Who Hurt You
Three months ago, I found myself in a heartbreaking place. I missed him. Desperately. Despite everything, I thought I wanted him back. I didn’t know how to get past the intimidating emails from his sister—emails that felt like walls built to keep me out, to silence my voice.
I tried reaching out to his daughter, someone I had known and loved for 32 years. No response. Nothing. The sister accused me of harassment—a tactic often used to protect an image, to prevent the truth from being heard.
I told my psychologist I wanted to lift the restraining order. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could fix things. But she gently held up a mirror. She showed me the emails again. She pointed out the cruelty, the manipulation, the clear message: there was no chance of reconciliation.
That’s when she introduced me to a term that changed everything:
✨ Trauma Bonding ✨
Trauma bonding is not about love. It’s about survival. It happens when your mind becomes addicted to the cycle of abuse and reward, control and apology, devaluation and fleeting validation. Your brain literally forms a bond with the person who hurt you because your nervous system becomes trained to crave their approval and fear their rejection.
You become emotionally attached to someone who causes harm, hoping they’ll go back to who they were in the beginning. You justify their actions. You doubt your own. You miss them—but it’s the illusion of them you miss, not the reality.
My psychologist helped me see that what I felt wasn’t a sign of true love—it was a sign of deep psychological entanglement, formed through years of manipulation and emotional control. A trauma bond.
And when I stepped back—really stepped back—I saw it. The threats. The silencing. The coordinated attempts to erase my voice. It was never about love. It was always about power.
❤️ Healing Begins With Truth
I am no longer in that place of desperation. I have since learned that missing someone doesn’t mean you should go back to them. It just means you’re human. And healing from trauma doesn’t happen overnight. But the moment you name the bond for what it is? That’s the beginning of freedom.
If you’re there right now—missing someone who treated you poorly—please know: you’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re trauma bonded. And with support, time, and self-compassion, you can break free.
You deserve peace. You deserve safety. You deserve a life where your voice is heard, and your story matters.
You’re not alone.
