Breaking the Chains of Abuse: Why You Should Never Be a Slave to Love
I remember when my son came to live with us for a few weeks. He couldn’t believe how I ran around after my husband. One day, he looked at me and said, “You are a slave to him. You never, ever behaved like that with my dad.” And he was right.
I had never been that way in my first marriage. I had always been independent, respected, and loved as an equal. But in my second marriage, I found myself bending over backward, walking on eggshells, and doing everything possible to keep my husband happy. I believed that if I just did everything right, if I just met all his needs, the abuse would stop. But it never did.
The Cycle of Abuse and Enabling Behavior
People who have been through long-term emotional abuse often develop a pattern of people-pleasing. We are taught—sometimes through years of conditioning—that our worth is tied to how well we cater to our abuser. The problem is, no amount of sacrifice, no level of submission, and no extreme effort will ever make an abuser truly happy.
Abusers thrive on control, not love. And when they see that you are willing to give up your own happiness for them, they don’t soften. They don’t appreciate it. They simply take more. The abuse doesn’t stop—it escalates.
For years, my mother, my friends, my daughter, my sister, and even my brother had told me, “You are a slave.” It took me a long time to realize that they were right.
Love Should Never Feel Like Servitude
True love and a healthy partnership are a two-way street. Love should never feel like a job where one person is constantly giving and the other is endlessly taking. In a relationship built on mutual respect, both partners contribute to each other’s happiness. There is no expectation of servitude; instead, there is a balance of giving and receiving.
If you find yourself constantly bending over backward, always trying to appease, and living in fear of upsetting your partner, then you are not in a loving relationship—you are in a cycle of control and abuse.
Breaking Free from the Need to Please
Breaking free from this pattern is not easy, especially after years of conditioning. Here are some steps that helped me:
- Recognizing the Truth – Acknowledging that I was enabling my abuser was painful, but it was necessary. Abuse thrives in silence and denial.
- Seeking Support – Talking to trusted friends, family members, and professionals helped me see my situation clearly and gave me the strength to make changes.
- Reclaiming My Independence – I had to relearn how to prioritize my own needs, set boundaries, and understand that my worth was not tied to how well I could serve someone else.
- Letting Go of Guilt – The hardest part was accepting that I was not responsible for his unhappiness. No matter what I did, it was never going to be enough because the problem wasn’t me—it was him.
The Path to Freedom
Leaving an abusive relationship, or even just breaking the mental chains of people-pleasing, is not an overnight process. It takes time, self-reflection, and often, professional help. But it is possible.
Today, I am no longer a slave to anyone. I live my life for myself, surrounded by people who respect and love me for who I am—not for how much I can give them.
If you see yourself in my story, please know this: You do not have to live like this. You deserve love, respect, and freedom.
The first step to breaking free is recognizing that you are worth so much more than a life spent trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. Love should never cost you your peace, your dignity, or your happiness.
You are not a slave. You are a person worthy of love and respect. Never forget that.
