People Who Do Not Understand Coercive Control: The Silent Abuse That Needs to Be Recognized

Coercive control is one of the most insidious forms of abuse, yet it’s often misunderstood, minimized, or even completely ignored by those who have never experienced it. For many, it may seem like something that only exists in extreme cases of physical violence or overt manipulation, but coercive control is much more subtle and complex. It is a form of psychological abuse that often flies under the radar of even the most empathetic individuals. Those who do not understand coercive control are often blind to the reality of its impact on the victim, and that ignorance can have devastating consequences.

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is about domination. It’s not just about controlling someone’s actions but about controlling their thoughts, emotions, and sense of self. It’s a form of abuse where the perpetrator uses tactics of manipulation, isolation, and intimidation to systematically strip away the victim’s autonomy and independence. Over time, this creates a dependency that keeps the victim in a state of fear, confusion, and emotional paralysis. Unlike physical abuse, which may leave visible scars, coercive control often leaves invisible, but just as damaging, wounds on the mind and spirit.

Victims of coercive control often feel trapped. They may be made to feel they are not worthy of love, that they are crazy, or that they are incapable of functioning on their own. They can be isolated from friends, family, and support networks, often without even realizing it until it’s too late. The perpetrator may use tactics like gaslighting, manipulation, threats, and emotional blackmail to exert control. The victim becomes increasingly reliant on the abuser for validation, approval, and even basic emotional support.

The Problem of Not Understanding Coercive Control

One of the biggest problems with coercive control is that it is hard for people outside the relationship to recognize it. This type of abuse doesn’t leave physical marks or bruises. There are no obvious signs of violence, and because it often happens behind closed doors, it’s incredibly difficult for others to understand. Victims of coercive control may even start to doubt their own perception of reality, believing that what is happening to them is their fault or that they are overreacting.

When people don’t understand coercive control, they may inadvertently side with the abuser, believing that the victim is exaggerating or misinterpreting the situation. This is particularly damaging because it invalidates the victim’s experience and makes them feel even more isolated and unsupported. The tendency to think “it’s not that bad” or “why don’t they just leave?” is a dangerous and hurtful mindset. Leaving is not a simple choice for someone under coercive control. The abuse often escalates when the victim tries to leave, and they may fear for their safety, their children’s safety, or even their life.

The Emotional and Psychological Impact

The emotional toll of coercive control is profound. It’s not just about being told what to do—it’s about having your identity slowly erased and being manipulated into believing that you cannot survive without the abuser. This is a slow, insidious process that can take years, and by the time the victim realizes they are being controlled, they may already feel too weak, confused, or dependent to fight back.

Victims may feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set off the abuser’s anger or manipulative behavior. Their world becomes one of constant uncertainty, and their emotional and mental health often deteriorates. Anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidal thoughts are common in survivors of coercive control.

The Need for Awareness and Support

If we are to support survivors of coercive control, we must first acknowledge that this form of abuse exists and that it has a devastating impact on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being. It is critical that we, as a society, understand that coercive control is just as harmful as physical abuse. It is equally as dangerous, and often, even more difficult to escape. The damage done by coercive control isn’t just about the immediate impact—it has long-lasting effects that can take years to heal.

To support survivors of coercive control, we must listen without judgment and provide a safe space for them to share their experiences. We need to stop asking “Why didn’t you leave?” and start asking “How can I help?” Survivors need to be believed, supported, and empowered to reclaim their autonomy. They need the assurance that they are not alone and that there is help available to them.

Never Minimize the Victim’s Experience

To minimize coercive control or tell a victim to “just get over it” adds insult to injury. It invalidates the very real suffering that the victim has endured. Survivors of coercive control have lived through a constant battle of fear, confusion, and emotional manipulation, and they need understanding, not dismissal. This type of abuse takes time to unravel, and healing is a long and difficult process.

Listen to Both Sides, But Always Believe the Victim

It’s important to listen to both sides in any situation, but when it comes to coercive control, the victim’s experience is critical. Often, the abuser will be the one telling their side of the story, painting themselves as the victim or making the survivor feel like they are crazy or overreacting. It’s crucial that we remain vigilant, questioning what is being presented to us and listening to the survivor without judgment. When a person finally finds the courage to speak out about their experience, we must take their words seriously. It could be their last attempt to reach out for help.

We must recognize coercive control for what it is: a deadly form of abuse that destroys lives, piece by piece. We must not ignore it. We must not minimize it. And we must offer support to those brave enough to speak out. The survivor’s words, no matter how difficult they may be to hear, are the cries of someone who has been through hell. They deserve to be heard, believed, and supported as they work toward reclaiming their lives.

If you know someone who may be experiencing coercive control, or if you are a survivor yourself, reach out. You are not alone. There is support available, and healing is possible. Don’t let silence continue to protect the abuser—your voice matters, and it deserves to be heard.