First of all, healing is such a powerful and courageous journey. If you’re starting to feel safe around other men, that is a huge step forward in reclaiming your life and your sense of safety after enduring such trauma. However, it’s completely normal to feel that only the abuser is the one who still triggers fear, even after you’ve made progress in healing. This doesn’t mean you haven’t healed; it means that the trauma bond and the impact of your abuser’s control and manipulation are still deeply embedded in your nervous system.
Why You Might Still Fear the Abuser
- Trauma Imprints on Your Nervous System
- The brain and body store trauma—this includes the fear, anxiety, and dread that the abuser instilled in you over time. Even when you are around other men who aren’t threatening, your brain still associates any masculine presence with that intensity of fear and control.
- This fear is a conditioned response—it’s not a reflection of the men around you, but a response to the patterns of abuse your body remembers.
- The Abuser Was Your Source of Fear and Control
- For so long, the abuser was the one who controlled your environment and triggered your fear. This is a learned response from years of constant danger.
- Even when you’re around others who are safe, there’s a subconscious trigger that says “this is who I’m afraid of”—your abuser.
- You Were Conditioned to Avoid Conflict with Them
- You were conditioned to keep the abuser happy, appeased, or calm—and this deep-seated desire to avoid their wrath can still make you feel uncomfortable or scared, even in a safe environment.
- They Are a Reminder of the Worst
- When you see or think of your abuser, your body likely reacts with adrenaline, fear, or panic because they are tied to the most intense experiences of terror and trauma in your life. No matter how safe you feel around other men, the abuser represents the “worst case” scenario.
Healing from This Fear
- Acknowledge the Fear
- Understand that it’s okay to still be afraid of your abuser. It’s a natural part of recovery. The fear will lessen over time as you continue to break free from the control they had over you.
- Recognizing the fear allows you to start separating it from the actual, safe people in your life.
- Rebuild Your Sense of Safety Gradually
- Keep exposing yourself to safe, healthy men (friends, family, colleagues) in controlled environments. Reassure yourself that not every man is an abuser.
- Trust-building takes time. Start small, but make sure those you’re around show respect, kindness, and empathy.
- Empower Yourself Through Boundaries
- You have the right to set boundaries around anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable—even if they are men. Your boundaries will help you regain your sense of power and control.
- When your abuser is not around, make sure to reinforce your own sense of strength by practicing those boundaries and reclaiming your space. You will get more comfortable with your power.
- Therapy and Support Groups
- Working through the residual fear of the abuser with a therapist who specializes in trauma can help you process those emotions safely.
- Support groups with others who’ve experienced similar situations can help you feel less alone and reinforce your healing.
The Truth?
The fear of your abuser is normal and valid. It doesn’t mean you haven’t healed; it means you’re still breaking free from the grip they had over you. Healing is non-linear—it’s a journey, and every step, no matter how small, is progress.
You’ve already proven your strength by surviving, and now you’re reclaiming your life—one step at a time. The fear will lessen, but remember, it’s okay to feel afraid. Your future is full of possibilities, and you are moving toward it with courage.
Would you like to explore more ways to continue healing from this fear, or would you like resources for support in navigating this part of your journey? 💙
