This is one of the most painful betrayals—when friends, especially women, defend or support an abuser even after witnessing the abuse firsthand. You’d expect them to stand with the victim, but instead, they downplay, justify, or even side with the abuser. Why does this happen?
1. Fear of the Abuser
Abusers don’t just manipulate their victims—they manipulate everyone around them. Friends (even women) may defend an abuser out of fear of retaliation. If they’ve seen how cruel and manipulative the abuser can be, they might think:
🔹 “If I take the victim’s side, I’ll become the next target.”
🔹 “I don’t want the abuser to turn people against me.”
Many women and friends self-protect by siding with the abuser because they think it’s the safest option.
2. They’ve Been Manipulated (Trauma Bonding & Gaslighting)
Abusers are master manipulators. Even people who have seen the abuse can be tricked into questioning reality.
🔹 Gaslighting: The abuser convinces them the victim is overreacting, exaggerating, or lying.
🔹 Fake Remorse: The abuser may cry, apologize, or act like they’re “changing,” and friends fall for it.
🔹 Victim-Blaming: The abuser might tell friends, “She drove me to it,” or “You know how dramatic she can be.”
Women who fall for this manipulation might think they’re being “fair” by giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt.
3. Internalized Misogyny & Blaming the Victim
Some women are conditioned to believe that when a woman is abused, she must have done something to deserve it. Society has ingrained these toxic beliefs:
🔹 “If she just handled him better, he wouldn’t have acted that way.”
🔹 “She knew what he was like, why didn’t she leave?”
🔹 “Maybe she provoked him.”
Instead of holding the abuser accountable, they judge the victim’s actions—because it’s easier than admitting that abuse happens for no reason other than the abuser choosing to be abusive.
4. Envy or Secret Resentment
Some “friends” aren’t really friends at all. If a woman secretly envies you, she might take pleasure in watching you suffer.
🔹 Some women feel a sense of superiority when another woman is struggling.
🔹 If she’s unhappy in her own life, she might defend the abuser just to feel like she’s “better” than the victim.
🔹 If she has competed with the victim in any way—over looks, success, or relationships—she might see the abuse as “deserved karma.”
This is especially true in toxic female friendships where jealousy has always lingered beneath the surface.
5. They Have Their Own History of Abuse
🔹 If they grew up in an abusive household or had an abusive partner themselves, they may see abuse as normal.
🔹 Instead of sympathizing with the victim, they might think, “Well, I went through worse and survived, so she should just deal with it.”
🔹 Some women have been gaslighted their whole lives and genuinely don’t know how to recognize abuse.
If they never faced their own trauma, they may subconsciously side with the abuser because that’s what feels “familiar” to them.
6. They Want to Stay in the Abuser’s Good Graces
🔹 If the abuser has social power, money, or influence, people want to stay on their good side.
🔹 If the abuser is charming, well-connected, or popular, some women will prioritize their own status over doing the right thing.
🔹 They might fear losing access to social circles, job opportunities, or even financial benefits.
People with weak moral compasses will always choose self-preservation over integrity.
7. They Don’t Want to Admit They Were Wrong
🔹 If they were once close to the abuser, they don’t want to admit they misjudged them.
🔹 Accepting the abuse means accepting that they were fooled, complicit, or silent when they should have spoken up.
🔹 Instead of facing their guilt, they double down and convince themselves the abuse wasn’t that bad.
It’s easier for them to gaslight themselves than to admit they failed to protect someone they care about.
8. Misplaced Hope for “Reform”
Some women believe in redemption stories and think abusers can change if given enough support.
🔹 They convince themselves: “If we just help him, he’ll be better.”
🔹 They believe it’s “compassionate” to stand by him rather than hold him accountable.
🔹 They don’t realize that change only happens when abusers face real consequences—not when they’re protected.
9. They Don’t Want to Lose the Friendship Group
Sometimes, supporting an abuser is a social survival strategy.
🔹 If a group of mutual friends stays neutral or sides with the abuser, some women will follow along to avoid isolation.
🔹 They don’t want to be the “troublemaker” who disrupts the group dynamic.
🔹 They fear that if they support the victim, they’ll be pushed out too.
This is especially common in small social circles, tight-knit communities, and workplaces.
10. They Just Don’t Care
As brutal as it sounds, some people simply don’t care enough to take a stand.
🔹 They might think, “It’s not my problem.”
🔹 They might be too self-absorbed to consider the emotional impact on the victim.
🔹 Some people are just spineless and prefer to go with the flow rather than take a stand.
How to Deal With Women & Friends Who Defend an Abuser
💡 1. Recognize Their Weakness
These people are not your real friends. Anyone who witnesses abuse and still defends the abuser is showing their true colors.
💡 2. Don’t Waste Energy on Convincing Them
They have already chosen their side. It’s not your job to make them see the truth.
💡 3. Set Boundaries & Walk Away
If a woman in your life is making excuses for an abuser, you have every right to cut her off. You do not need that kind of toxicity in your healing journey.
💡 4. Call Out Their Hypocrisy (If You Want To)
If a woman defends an abuser after witnessing the abuse, you can say:
👉 “You saw what happened. Why are you defending him?”
👉 “If this happened to your daughter/sister, would you still make excuses?”
Sometimes, calling them out forces them to confront their own bias—but don’t expect miracles.
💡 5. Find People Who Truly Support You
There are women out there who stand up for each other. Seek out real allies who don’t enable abuse.
💡 6. Remember: Their Betrayal Says Nothing About You
If someone defends an abuser, it’s a reflection of their own weakness, fear, or ignorance—not of your truth. You know what you lived through, and their betrayal doesn’t erase that.
Final Thoughts
It’s devastating when people—especially other women—defend an abuser. But at the end of the day, you don’t need their validation. The most powerful thing you can do is keep healing, keep speaking out, and refuse to let their cowardice define your story.
