There are so many reasons why people support abusers, and none of them are good enough to justify it. It’s one of the most frustrating and painful parts of surviving abuse—watching others excuse, defend, or even celebrate the person who hurt you. Here are some of the most common reasons this happens:
1. Manipulation and Charm
Abusers are often masters of manipulation. They can be incredibly charming, especially to people who aren’t on the receiving end of their abuse. They present themselves as the “victim” or the “good guy” and paint you as unstable, dramatic, or even the abuser. This tactic is called “DARVO” (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)—where they make themselves out to be the real victim.
2. Denial and Cognitive Dissonance
People don’t like to believe that someone they know (or even love) is capable of abuse. It creates an uncomfortable reality, so instead of facing it, they choose to ignore or deny it. It’s easier for them to believe that the victim is exaggerating than to accept that the abuser is truly a bad person.
3. Fear of Conflict or Losing the Relationship
Some people support abusers because they don’t want to be on the receiving end of their wrath. Others don’t want to lose a friendship, family member, or social connection, so they take the easy route—staying neutral or siding with the abuser.
4. Cultural or Societal Conditioning
Unfortunately, in many cultures, people are conditioned to blame the victim—especially women—rather than hold abusers accountable. Phrases like “What did you do to provoke them?” or “You should have left sooner” shift the blame onto the survivor instead of the person responsible for the harm.
5. Personal Guilt or Shame
Some people supported the abuser while the abuse was happening, either by staying silent or ignoring red flags. Now, admitting the truth would mean confronting their own guilt, so instead, they double down and continue supporting the abuser.
6. They Benefit from the Abuser
Some people get something out of staying close to an abuser—financial benefits, social status, or just being on the “winning” side. If the abuser has power, money, or influence, people might support them for their own selfish reasons.
7. They Have Their Own Issues
Sometimes, people who side with abusers have experienced abuse themselves and never addressed it. Instead of empathizing with the victim, they identify with the abuser because that’s what feels familiar to them.
So, What Can You Do?
It’s maddening to watch people support the person who hurt you, but at the end of the day, their opinion doesn’t change your truth. You know what you went through. You know the reality. The best thing you can do is focus on your own healing, surround yourself with people who truly support you, and let go of the ones who refuse to see the truth.
The sad fact is, people who enable abusers often don’t realize (or care) about the damage they’re doing. But that’s on them—not on you. And in the long run, those people often learn the hard way that siding with an abuser never ends well.
