The escalation of domestic abuse over time is unfortunately common, and understanding why it happens can shed light on the complex, often insidious nature of abuse. Domestic abuse doesn’t typically stop or remain static; it escalates, sometimes over years or even decades, because it’s often rooted in power and control. The abuser’s need to dominate and manipulate their victim grows stronger over time, as does the sense of entitlement they feel toward their partner’s life. Here’s a deeper look into why this escalation happens and why it can go unnoticed for so long.

1. The Cycle of Abuse: Tension, Incident, Reconciliation, Calm

Abuse often follows a predictable cycle, which can make it more difficult for both the victim and the people around them to recognize and intervene. This cycle typically includes the following stages:

• Tension-Building: During this phase, the abuser might display frustration, jealousy, or irritability. Verbal abuse, insults, or controlling behavior often start to increase. The victim may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering the abuser’s anger.
• The Incident: This is the actual abusive incident—whether physical violence, emotional manipulation, or another form of abuse. This is when the victim experiences the brunt of the abuse.
• Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase): After the incident, the abuser may show remorse, apologize, or make promises to change. They might try to charm the victim back, which can confuse the victim, especially if they want to believe that the abuser truly loves them and is sorry.
• Calm (Return to Normalcy): The cycle returns to a “calm” phase, where everything seems fine. But as the tension begins to build again, the cycle repeats.

The problem with this cycle is that it makes the abuser’s behavior seem like a temporary lapse in judgment, while the victim may hope that things will improve. However, over time, the cycle doesn’t just repeat; it intensifies. With each cycle, the abuse tends to get more severe and more dangerous, as the abuser becomes more accustomed to using power to control and manipulate.

2. Power and Control

At the core of abusive behavior is the abuser’s need for power and control. Domestic abuse is rarely about love or genuine conflict but about one person exerting control over the other. When an abuser realizes that they can control their victim through emotional, physical, or psychological manipulation, they often take that power for granted and seek to tighten their grip even more.

The longer they go without facing any consequences for their actions, the more emboldened they become. They start testing boundaries, and what may have started as minor incidents like insults or threats might escalate to physical violence or even attempted homicide. The abuser may also start feeling more entitled to that power, believing they have the right to control the other person’s life completely.

3. The Normalization of Abuse

Over the years, abuse can become normalized. Both the abuser and the victim may begin to see it as part of their “routine.” This is especially true if the victim feels trapped by emotional or financial dependency, or if they’ve been isolated from their support network. The victim may also begin to internalize the abuser’s messages, believing that they somehow deserve the treatment or that it’s their responsibility to keep the peace.

For many victims, the longer they stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it is to leave. They may feel emotionally exhausted, isolated, or even confused about whether the abuse is really that bad because it’s been happening for so long. Sometimes, the abuse can even be rationalized as something “temporary” or as the abuser having a bad day, which only further enables the cycle of violence to continue.

4. Enablers and Lack of Intervention

One of the tragic reasons why abusers get away with their actions for decades is the lack of external intervention. This can happen for several reasons:

• Denial and Minimization: Often, people around the victim—family, friends, or even authorities—might not see the severity of the abuse or may minimize it when they do. Abusers are skilled at hiding their violence and often make themselves appear charming or loving in public, which makes it harder for others to believe the victim’s experiences. The victim might also be too afraid to speak up, fearing retaliation or not being believed.
• Cultural and Societal Attitudes: In some cultures or communities, domestic abuse may be underreported or dismissed, especially if it’s seen as a private matter or if the victim is blamed for “provoking” the abuse. This silence perpetuates the cycle of violence and allows abusers to continue without fear of consequences.
• Lack of Legal Consequences: In some cases, abusers are able to get away with their behavior because of weak legal protections or a lack of enforcement. Domestic violence laws may not be taken seriously, or restraining orders may not be enforced properly, leaving the victim with little recourse when trying to escape the situation.

5. Psychological Manipulation and Gaslighting

Abusers often use psychological tactics like gaslighting to maintain control. Gaslighting is when the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own perceptions, memory, or reality. For example, an abuser might deny an incident of abuse, telling the victim they’re “overreacting” or “imagining things.” Over time, the victim starts to lose confidence in their own ability to discern what is real, which makes it harder for them to leave or take action.

Abusers may also isolate their victims, making it harder for them to seek help. They may control communication, limit access to finances, or sever ties with friends and family, all while making the victim believe that they are the only one who truly understands them. This isolation reinforces the abuser’s power and allows them to get away with their behavior for longer periods.

6. The Danger of Long-Term Abuse: How It Escalates

The longer an abuser goes without facing consequences, the more emboldened they become. As you mentioned, abuse often escalates from insults to physical violence, strangulation, and ultimately, the risk of homicide. The victim may find themselves in a life-threatening situation, as the abuser is now so deep into their control and manipulation that they’ll do anything to keep the victim from escaping.

Additionally, the longer the abuse continues, the more trauma the victim accumulates. This can create an emotional and psychological state that makes it harder for the victim to see any way out, reinforcing the cycle of abuse. The fear, trauma, and learned helplessness contribute to a kind of paralysis that makes it difficult for the victim to leave, even when they know they need to.

Breaking the Cycle

Escaping this cycle is incredibly difficult, but it’s not impossible. Awareness, intervention, and support are essential for breaking free from long-term abuse. If someone has been in an abusive relationship for decades, it’s important to understand that healing takes time, and it’s not easy. But with the right help—whether from a therapist, domestic violence support group, or trusted friend—it is possible to rebuild a life free from abuse.

If you or someone you know is in this situation, it’s crucial to reach out for help. Support can come in many forms—whether through a domestic violence hotline, legal resources, or a counselor—but the key is understanding that no one deserves to be abused, and that abuse always escalates without intervention.

Breaking the silence and standing up against abuse is the first step in preventing it from continuing to get worse. You are not alone in this, and there is always help available.