Claiming to Have Changed While Continuing Toxic, Stalking, Harassing, and Financially Abusive Behavior

When someone claims they have changed but continues to engage in toxic behaviors like stalking, harassment, and financial abuse, their words are meaningless. Real change requires accountability, self-reflection, and tangible actions—not just declarations. Those who continue harmful behaviors while insisting they are different are not transforming; they are simply trying to manipulate others into believing they are.

The False Promise of Change

Toxic individuals often declare they have changed to avoid consequences, regain control, or convince others to give them another chance. However, genuine transformation is not about convincing people—it’s about proving through consistent actions that they have abandoned harmful behaviors. When someone continues to stalk, harass, or financially manipulate others, it is clear they are the same person, only wearing a different mask.

Why They Pretend to Change

1. To Regain Access – They may use the illusion of change to convince an ex-partner, friend, or family member to lower their guard.
2. To Manipulate Public Perception – Abusers often claim personal growth to prevent others from seeing them as they truly are.
3. To Avoid Consequences – They might say they’ve changed to avoid legal actions, reputational damage, or losing access to financial or social resources.
4. To Maintain Power and Control – Change is only a tool for them to keep control over their target, not an actual transformation.

Red Flags: When Change is a Lie

1. Continuing Stalking or Harassment
   • If they claim to have changed but still track their target’s location, monitor their online activity, or send unwanted messages, their behavior contradicts their words.
   • Stalking is a sign of control, not remorse.
2. Financial Abuse Persists
   • If they continue withholding money, interfering with employment, sabotaging financial independence, or making legal threats over finances, they have not changed.
   • True change means respecting financial boundaries and allowing the other person to move forward independently.
3. Shifting Blame and Avoiding Accountability
   • Rather than acknowledging past wrongs, they dismiss concerns, rewrite history, or shift blame onto their victim.
   • A genuine transformation involves accepting responsibility without excuses.
4. Guilt-Tripping or Playing the Victim
   • They use emotional manipulation, claiming they are the ones suffering and demanding sympathy instead of addressing their behavior.
   • True change is not about gaining pity but about making amends and taking corrective actions.
5. Refusing Therapy or Personal Growth Work
   • Change requires effort, such as seeking therapy, attending support groups, or engaging in meaningful self-improvement.
   • If they insist they’ve changed without any effort toward self-awareness or healing, they are lying.

Examples of False Change

Example 1: The Stalking Ex

Sarah broke up with Mark due to his controlling and abusive behavior. After months of no contact, Mark reached out claiming he had changed and wanted to apologize. However, Sarah later discovered he had been tracking her location, calling her workplace, and monitoring her social media through fake accounts. His insistence that he had changed was merely a tactic to regain access to her life.

Example 2: The Financial Manipulator

John had a history of financially abusing his partner, Lisa, by controlling her income and sabotaging her job opportunities. After she left him, he claimed he had changed, but he continued to interfere with her financial stability—refusing to pay debts, making legal threats, and badmouthing her to potential employers. His actions proved he had not changed at all.

Example 3: The Harassing Ex-Friend

Emily distanced herself from her toxic friend Rachel, who had spread rumors and emotionally manipulated her for years. Months later, Rachel claimed she had changed and wanted to reconcile. However, Emily noticed Rachel was still gossiping about her, sending passive-aggressive messages, and trying to turn mutual friends against her. Rachel’s so-called “change” was nothing more than an attempt to regain control.

What Real Change Looks Like

1. Cutting Off Toxic Behaviors Completely
   • No stalking, harassment, or financial interference.
   • Respecting boundaries without argument or manipulation.
2. Seeking Help and Doing the Work
   • Therapy, personal development, and genuine efforts to change.
   • Openly acknowledging past wrongs without defensiveness.
3. Allowing the Other Person to Move On
   • Not attempting to regain access or control.
   • Understanding that true change is internal, not performative.

Final Thoughts

Anyone can say they have changed, but actions speak louder than words. If someone continues toxic behaviors like stalking, harassment, or financial abuse while claiming they are different, they have not changed—they are just trying to manipulate perception. True change requires humility, accountability, and consistent effort over time. Don’t be fooled by empty words—watch what they do, not what they say.