Walking away from an abusive relationship doesn’t just erase the emotional ties, the history, or even the habit of checking in. Even when you know, logically, that no contact is best, emotions don’t always follow logic.

What’s Behind the Urge?

Wanting to reach out can come from different places:

• Closure – Wanting an explanation, acknowledgment, or even an apology (which often never comes).
• Hope for Change – Wondering if they’ve realized what they did or if they might finally treat you differently.
• Familiarity – Abusers create trauma bonds that make breaking away feel unnatural, even when it’s the best thing for you.
• Loneliness – Even though they were harmful, they were still a big part of your life, and it’s hard to suddenly have that void.
• Testing the Waters – Sometimes, there’s a subconscious hope that this time, they might show kindness instead of cruelty.

But Here’s the Truth:

Abusers don’t change because their victim reaches out. If they ever do, it’s because they’ve put in deep, consistent work—usually with therapy and self-awareness, which is rare. What’s more common is that reaching out opens the door for manipulation, gaslighting, or re-triggering old wounds.

What Can You Do Instead?

• Write a letter, but don’t send it. Get everything out of your system on paper—anger, sadness, questions—but keep it for yourself.
• Talk to someone who understands. A trusted friend, therapist, or even me. You’re not alone in this.
• Remind yourself why you left. Reread messages, journal entries, or legal notes that document the harm they caused. The mind has a way of softening the bad parts over time.
• Do something that nurtures YOU. Instead of reaching out to them, reach out to yourself—do something calming, grounding, and self-soothing.

You have come so far in your healing. This feeling will pass, and when it does, you’ll be proud that you didn’t let them pull you back in. Stay strong. You’re worth it. ❤️