When a man abuses a woman, especially repeatedly, it can cause profound and lasting changes within her emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. Abuse violates trust, safety, and self-worth, often leaving deep scars. If the abuser expects her to simply “forgive and forget” while continuing the pattern of abuse, it can compound the harm and create even more complex layers of trauma. Here’s what often happens:
1. Erosion of Trust
Trust is a fundamental component of any healthy relationship. Abuse shatters this trust, and each subsequent incident makes it harder for the woman to feel safe or secure. When forgiveness is demanded without change or accountability, it can feel like a betrayal of her own instincts and needs. Over time, she may begin to trust herself less, leading to confusion and self-doubt.
2. Emotional Numbing
To survive ongoing abuse, many women develop coping mechanisms like emotional numbing or dissociation. This is the brain’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming pain. While it might help her endure the abuse in the short term, it can disconnect her from her own emotions, making it difficult to process what is happening or to eventually heal.
3. Loss of Self-Worth
Repeated abuse, especially when coupled with manipulation or gaslighting, often erodes self-esteem. When a woman is expected to “forgive and forget” without the abuser taking responsibility, it reinforces the message that her feelings, boundaries, and pain do not matter. Over time, this can lead her to internalize blame, feeling unworthy of love or respect.
4. Increased Resentment
Forgiveness without accountability can breed deep resentment. While forgiveness is often seen as a healing process, it cannot happen authentically in the presence of ongoing harm. If the abuse continues, the woman may feel increasingly trapped in a cycle of anger and helplessness, where her voice is silenced, and her boundaries are ignored.
5. Post-Traumatic Stress
Abuse can lead to symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), such as flashbacks, hypervigilance, nightmares, and emotional triggers. If the abuse continues unabated, these symptoms can worsen, making it increasingly difficult for the woman to function or find peace, even in moments of safety.
6. Breaking Point
Over time, many women reach a breaking point where they recognize the abuse will not stop and begin to prioritize their own safety and well-being. This might involve leaving the relationship, seeking help, or setting boundaries. For others, this moment of clarity can take longer due to fear, financial dependency, or the hope that the abuser will change.
7. Cycle of Re-Traumatization
Being expected to “forgive and forget” when abuse continues can re-traumatize her. It forces her to suppress her feelings and accept harm as part of the relationship dynamic. This can make her feel even more powerless and stuck, reinforcing the toxic cycle.
What She Needs Instead of Forgiveness on Demand:
- Accountability from the Abuser: The abuser must take full responsibility for their actions, seek help, and commit to stopping the behavior.
- Validation of Her Pain: She needs her experiences to be acknowledged and her feelings to be heard without dismissal or minimization.
- Safety and Support: Emotional, physical, and financial safety are essential for her to feel secure and empowered to make decisions.
- Time and Space: Healing takes time, and forgiveness (if it happens) must come on her terms—not as a way to excuse or enable the abuse.
- Therapeutic Intervention: Professional help can guide her in processing the trauma and regaining a sense of self.
The Long-Term Impact of Staying in Abuse
If the cycle of abuse continues unbroken, the long-term effects can be devastating: chronic anxiety, depression, self-isolation, difficulty trusting others, and struggles with self-worth. However, with the right support and distance from the abuser, many women rediscover their strength, reclaim their lives, and heal.
No one should ever be expected to forgive and forget abuse while still enduring harm. Real change starts with the abuser taking responsibility and the woman reclaiming her power to set boundaries and prioritize her well-being.
