Abuse is a pervasive issue that damages lives, erodes trust, and perpetuates cycles of harm. Yet, despite growing awareness, societal misconceptions often blur the lines between the root causes of abuse and its manifestations. Many of these myths stem from the tendency to medicalize abusive behavior, attributing it to mental health issues or lack of emotional control. This framing not only undermines the seriousness of abuse but also shifts the focus away from accountability. Let’s unpack and challenge three pervasive myths about abuse.
Myth 1: “Abusers Have Anger Management Issues”
One of the most common misconceptions is that abuse stems from uncontrollable anger. This belief suggests that abusers “lose control” in moments of heightened emotion, portraying them as volatile and unpredictable. However, the reality is far more calculated.
Abuse is not about losing control; it is about maintaining control. Abusers selectively direct their aggression and manipulative tactics toward their victims—often their partners or family members—while appearing composed in other areas of their lives. They don’t lash out at work, with friends, or in public because they understand the consequences in those settings. This selective targeting underscores that their behavior is deliberate, serving to exert dominance and instill fear rather than being an uncontrollable response to anger.
By perpetuating the anger management myth, society risks excusing abusive behavior and ignoring its true purpose: to control, demean, and isolate. Addressing this myth requires recognizing that anger is often a tool in the abuser’s arsenal, not the root cause of their actions.
Myth 2: “Mental Illness Causes Abusive Behavior”
Another harmful narrative is the assumption that abusive behavior is inherently linked to mental illness. While some abusers may have mental health conditions, this connection is not causal. The vast majority of individuals with mental illness do not engage in abusive behavior. Equating the two not only stigmatizes mental health but also diminishes the agency of abusers, framing their actions as symptoms rather than choices.
Abusers manipulate, intimidate, and harm others because they feel entitled to do so—not because they are mentally ill. These behaviors stem from deeply ingrained attitudes about power and control, often reinforced by societal norms and personal beliefs. While addressing mental health concerns is important for overall well-being, it is critical to separate these issues from the intentionality behind abuse.
By attributing abuse to mental illness, we risk perpetuating harmful stereotypes and excusing the abuser’s behavior. Victims may feel pressured to “fix” their abuser or stay in dangerous situations under the belief that treatment will solve the problem. This narrative also shifts focus away from the need for abusers to confront and change their underlying belief systems.
Myth 3: “Therapy or Medication Can Fix an Abuser”
Therapy and medication are invaluable tools for personal growth and mental health management, but they are not cures for abusive behavior. The root causes of abuse are not medical; they are deeply embedded in attitudes, beliefs, and choices.
For meaningful change to occur, an abuser must actively confront their entitlement, challenge their need for control, and take full responsibility for their actions. This requires a commitment to behavioral and attitudinal change that goes far beyond attending therapy sessions or taking medication.
Unfortunately, many abusers who enter therapy without genuine intent to change often manipulate the therapeutic process, using it to justify or excuse their behavior. For example, they might frame themselves as victims or use therapeutic language to deflect accountability. Without a sincere willingness to change, therapy can become another tool for manipulation.
Programs specifically designed for abusers, such as Batterer Intervention Programs (BIPs), focus on accountability and education, aiming to address the underlying beliefs that drive abusive behavior. However, even these programs have limitations and rely heavily on the abuser’s commitment to change.
Reframing the Conversation: Abuse as a Choice
At its core, abuse is a choice—an intentional act to exert power and control over another person. Recognizing this is essential to dismantling the myths that cloud our understanding of abusive behavior. Rather than medicalizing abuse, we must focus on fostering accountability, challenging societal norms that enable abuse, and supporting victims in reclaiming their autonomy.
By rejecting these myths, we can shift the narrative away from excuses and toward meaningful solutions. Abuse is not a symptom to be treated; it is a behavior to be confronted and eradicated. Only by addressing the attitudes and beliefs that underpin abuse can we begin to break the cycle and create a society that prioritizes safety, respect, and equality.
