Leaving an abusive relationship, especially one that has spanned years or even decades, is one of the most courageous decisions a person can make. It is not a decision made overnight. Long before you physically leave, you begin to detach emotionally and mentally, often planning your escape while still enduring the abuse. By the time you leave, you are often “almost there” in your mind—your spirit has already begun to crave freedom and peace.
However, leaving is rarely straightforward. Abusers rely on control, and the prospect of losing that control sends them into overdrive. They will employ a range of tactics to manipulate you into staying, but it’s important to recognize these behaviors for what they are: desperate attempts to keep you under their power.
Tactics Abusers Use to Stop You From Leaving
- Feigning Illness
Suddenly, the abuser may claim they are sick or unwell. They might pretend to have life-threatening conditions or mental health crises, hoping that guilt will stop you in your tracks.- “You can’t leave me now, I need you more than ever.”
This is not genuine vulnerability—it’s a tool to manipulate your compassion and sense of responsibility.
- “You can’t leave me now, I need you more than ever.”
- Empty Promises of Change
The abuser may promise to change, often saying:- “I’ll see a therapist.”
- “I’ll stop drinking.”
- “I’ll be the partner you always wanted me to be.”
These promises are rarely followed through in any meaningful, lasting way. Change requires genuine self-awareness and accountability—two things an abuser lacks.
- False Grand Gestures
To distract you, the abuser might book a holiday, buy expensive gifts, or suggest moving to a new home. These gestures are designed to make you second-guess your decision:- “Look at all I’m doing for us—why would you leave now?”
But these actions are temporary band-aids. They do not fix the patterns of abuse that remain beneath the surface.
- “Look at all I’m doing for us—why would you leave now?”
- Threats and Blackmail
When the promises and gifts fail, the abuser will often escalate to threats. They may say things like:- “If you leave me, you’ll regret it.”
- “I’ll ruin you financially.”
- “I’ll tell everyone lies about you.”
These threats are designed to intimidate and isolate you, making you feel trapped and powerless.
- Blackmailing With Children or Loved Ones
Some abusers manipulate by using children, pets, or family members as leverage:- “You’ll never see the kids again.”
- “What will happen to the family if you leave?”
This tactic preys on your deepest emotional bonds and fears, but it’s important to remember that leaving does not mean abandoning your loved ones.
Why Abusers Cannot Change
It’s common to hope that an abuser will change, especially if you’ve invested years of your life in the relationship. But the harsh reality is this: abusers do not change. Any “improvement” they show is temporary and self-serving, often aimed at impressing a new partner or manipulating you into staying.
Here’s why:
- Abuse is about power and control. It’s not about anger, stress, or a “difficult upbringing”—it’s a choice to dominate and demean another person.
- They enjoy the abuse. While this may be difficult to accept, many abusers get a sense of satisfaction or power from seeing their partner hurt, fearful, or broken.
- They lack true accountability. Even when they “apologize,” it’s often followed by excuses or blame-shifting:
- “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push me.”
- “It’s not my fault—I’m stressed.”
When you leave, they may quickly move on to a new partner. To outsiders, it may look like they’ve changed, but this is part of their pattern. Initially, they put on a charming, “perfect” act to hook their new partner. They portray themselves as loving, attentive, and misunderstood, eager to hide the truth of who they are.
However, this façade doesn’t last. Abusers don’t suddenly become kind, respectful partners—they simply switch their abuse to a new target. The same cycles of manipulation, control, and harm will begin again, because the problem was never you—it was always them.
The Strength It Takes to Leave
Leaving an abuser is the most challenging part of the journey because it disrupts their control. They will do everything possible to make it hard for you. But here’s what you need to know:
- You Are Stronger Than You Realize
Making the choice to leave shows unimaginable strength and resolve. Even if you feel scared or uncertain, you are already proving your courage. - You Deserve Support
Surround yourself with trusted friends, family, and professional help. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, or helplines, there is help available at any stage of your life. You do not have to face this alone. - Age Does Not Matter
Whether you’re 25 or 65, it is never too late to reclaim your life and your happiness. You deserve peace, safety, and love—at any age and stage. - You Are Not to Blame
Abusers want you to believe that leaving is a betrayal or failure on your part. This is a lie. The responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the abuser.
What Awaits You on the Other Side
Once you break free, the road to healing begins. It’s not always easy—grief, doubt, and anger are part of the process. But beyond the pain lies freedom:
- Peace from constant shouting, manipulation, and fear.
- Self-Respect as you honor your worth and your boundaries.
- Hope as you rediscover yourself and your dreams.
- Self-Love as you learn to nurture the parts of you that were neglected.
You will no longer be living in survival mode. Instead, you will have the space to breathe, to grow, and to build a life that feels safe, joyful, and authentic.
Final Words: You Can Do This
An abuser’s greatest fear is losing control, which is why leaving will feel so challenging. But no matter how many tricks they use, remember this: you are stronger than their manipulation. With the right help and support, it is absolutely possible to break free and rebuild your life.
You are not alone, and you are not broken. You are a survivor, deserving of love, peace, and freedom. The life you’ve always dreamed of is waiting for you on the other side—and it’s never too late to claim it.
