This dynamic can feel very one-sided, and it’s natural to feel frustrated or taken advantage of in such a situation. When a new partner expects you to contribute toward their family costs but is unwilling to reciprocate, it can create an imbalance that, if left unaddressed, may breed resentment and misunderstandings in the relationship. Here are a few considerations that might help you navigate this situation:

1. Clarity and Communication: Sometimes, a new partner might not fully realize how their expectations are impacting you unless it’s directly brought to their attention. Having a straightforward conversation about your feelings and financial expectations is essential. Let them know that, while you’re happy to support their family where you can, you also need a relationship where there’s mutual give-and-take, especially when it comes to supporting each other’s families.
2. Defining “Family Costs”: If your partner’s idea of “family costs” only includes their family and excludes yours, it’s important to unpack what they mean by this and why. If they see your financial resources as only benefiting their own family unit, this could reflect deeper assumptions about finances that might need revisiting. Clear definitions of who and what falls under “family costs” for each of you could help establish boundaries and encourage a fairer approach.
3. Establishing Financial Boundaries: If you’re expected to contribute to their family without receiving the same in return, setting financial boundaries can help maintain a sense of fairness. For instance, you might suggest that each of you primarily takes responsibility for your respective families’ costs. This way, you avoid the sense of financial imbalance and can continue contributing to each other’s families without the pressure of one person bearing more than the other.
4. Fairness and Partnership: In healthy relationships, fairness in financial contributions fosters mutual respect and shared responsibility. If your partner expects financial support for their family but isn’t prepared to do the same for yours, it’s fair to discuss this openly. Relationships are partnerships, and partnership is grounded in reciprocity. Let your partner know that sharing responsibilities is a value you’d like to uphold together, including supporting each other’s families if that’s the expectation they hold.
5. Consider Alternative Approaches: Perhaps you can propose an arrangement where you each contribute to shared expenses (like holidays, outings, or household costs) but leave family-specific expenses to be handled individually. Or, you might agree to alternate who covers certain costs, so both of you are contributing equally to each family. If your partner isn’t open to such suggestions, it’s okay to reevaluate whether this financial arrangement aligns with your long-term values and goals.

Ultimately, your contributions should feel good to both of you, not like an obligation or unfair expectation. In any lasting relationship, it’s vital that each partner’s contributions are acknowledged and appreciated, and that the expectations around finances feel balanced and respectful.