When someone cycles between cruelty and declarations of love, it’s not only confusing but emotionally devastating. This kind of behavior, often referred to as “love bombing” followed by “devaluation,” is a manipulative tactic designed to keep you emotionally tethered to them. The abuser’s goal is often to break your self-esteem and then offer love as a way of “rescuing” you, making it difficult to separate yourself from them.

This tactic isn’t love; it’s a form of control. Here’s why it feels so overwhelming and what you can do to start breaking free from its grip:

1. Understanding the Cycle of Abuse: Kindness and Cruelty

The “cruelty-then-love” tactic is powerful because it creates an addictive, traumatic bond. When someone alternates between making you feel worthless and then offering love or apologies, your nervous system becomes conditioned to crave that occasional “good moment.” You might start to believe that the moments of love are the “real” version of them, and that if you just behave or change yourself, things will get better. But the painful truth is that this cycle often only intensifies, trapping you in a loop of abuse and dependency.

2. Recognizing Love vs. Control

True love doesn’t try to break you down only to build you back up. Real love respects, supports, and nourishes you. In contrast, this push-pull behavior feeds insecurity, erodes self-worth, and makes it harder to leave. The abuser’s version of “love” here is simply a tactic to keep you reliant on them, often accompanied by guilt-tripping and gaslighting if you question their intentions.

3. Reclaiming Your Sense of Reality

Repeated gaslighting—being told something didn’t happen the way you experienced it, for instance—can lead you to question your own reality. Keeping a journal can be incredibly powerful for validating your experiences. Write down specific incidents of cruelty and manipulation, as well as any following acts of “love.” Over time, patterns will likely emerge, helping you see that the “love” is just a continuation of the manipulation. This concrete documentation of your feelings and experiences is a powerful tool to reclaim your own truth.

4. Self-Compassion: Healing the Wounds Left by the Cycle

Living through this cycle can make you feel like you’re somehow “unworthy” or the reason for the abuse. But these feelings are entirely due to the manipulation and conditioning you’ve been subjected to. Practicing self-compassion and acknowledging your strength can help rebuild your inner foundation. You might remind yourself that you are deserving of love that doesn’t hurt, love that doesn’t come with conditions, and love that respects your dignity.

5. Creating Boundaries and Planning Your Exit

If leaving is your goal, it may take time to get there safely and with support. Here are a few steps to begin building boundaries:

• Emotional Detachment: Try to detach emotionally from their words. Understand that their declarations of love are likely not genuine and meant to keep you in the cycle. This doesn’t mean the pain goes away, but it can lessen the impact of their hurtful or confusing words.
• Boundary Reinforcement: Consider limiting the time you spend around them if possible, focusing on places or people that support and value you.
• Gather Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Having others validate your experiences can provide strength and remind you that you’re not alone.

6. Rediscovering Self-Worth

The damage done by this kind of emotional manipulation can cut deeply into your self-worth, making you question your own value. Reclaiming your self-worth is about focusing on the parts of yourself that make you strong, resilient, and compassionate. Small acts of self-care, new hobbies, or pursuing goals that have meaning to you can help rebuild your sense of self.

7. Envisioning a Future Free from Abuse

Imagine a life free from the cruelty-love cycle—a life where you don’t have to live with the whiplash of affection followed by pain. This vision can become your anchor, something to remind yourself of whenever doubt creeps in or when the abuser tries to pull you back in. Remember, there is a world of people who offer love that doesn’t demand you suffer in exchange.

In Closing

The words “I love you” can be incredibly powerful, but true love never seeks to break you down or keep you small. The path to breaking free is difficult, but it’s possible. By surrounding yourself with support, working to reclaim your sense of reality, and learning to value yourself outside of their control, you can create a life filled with the respect, peace, and kindness you deserve.

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