The emotional toll on victims of gaslighting can be immense, especially when they feel pressured by family members to “just let it go.” This pressure, whether subtle or overt, exacerbates an already exhausting situation. The victim is not only battling the gaslighter’s manipulation but also wrestling with their own feelings, which family members may unintentionally invalidate. This cycle of constant questioning, self-suppression, and despair can feel endless, leading to profound emotional exhaustion.
Let’s dive deeper into how this invalidation unfolds and what family members may be unaware of when they advise the victim to “move on.” We’ll also explore the impact this has on the victim’s mental health and how family members can support them more effectively.
Emotional Exhaustion: The Battle with Reality
Emotional exhaustion for victims of gaslighting is often tied to the relentless mental work of trying to understand and validate their own feelings in an environment that constantly undermines them. Here’s how it manifests:
1. The Struggle to Maintain Reality
One of the primary goals of gaslighting is to warp the victim’s perception of reality. The gaslighter subtly (or sometimes openly) undermines the victim’s thoughts, memories, and emotions, making them doubt their own experiences. When family members tell the victim to “let it go,” it adds another layer to this erosion of reality. Now, the victim isn’t just doubting themselves because of the gaslighter—they’re receiving similar messaging from those they should be able to rely on.
This creates a mental tug-of-war in which the victim struggles to maintain their grip on reality while questioning, “Am I really overreacting?” or “Maybe it wasn’t that serious if my family thinks so.” Each time they try to regain footing, the lack of support from loved ones erodes that stability.
2. Suppressing Feelings for Family Harmony
The victim, already accustomed to doubting themselves, may then feel pressured to suppress their feelings entirely for the sake of family harmony. This suppression means they’re bottling up fear, hurt, and confusion instead of processing these emotions. This suppression builds over time, leading to a sense of internal chaos and emotional exhaustion. The need to push these feelings aside and pretend everything is okay becomes an emotional drain that leaves the victim feeling depleted.
3. The Burden of “Being Strong”
Family members may unintentionally reinforce an expectation of “strength” by saying things like, “Don’t let it bother you,” or “You’re tougher than that.” Though meant as encouragement, these statements tell the victim that it’s their responsibility to rise above the abuse on their own. Over time, the pressure to stay strong without a safe outlet for processing emotions can be devastating, leaving the victim feeling they have to “hold it together” alone.
Cycle of Despair: When Family Members Become Part of the Problem
The despair felt by gaslighting victims stems not only from the manipulative behavior of the gaslighter but from the realization that the people they rely on for validation and support are reinforcing this toxic reality. This cycle of despair unfolds in several ways:
1. Eroded Trust in Family
When family members tell the victim to let go of their concerns, it sends a message that the victim’s experiences aren’t significant enough to warrant attention. This undermines trust, as the victim sees their family as choosing the comfort of denial over supporting them. This erosion of trust is devastating, as the victim feels that they are being asked to endure their suffering alone, effectively invalidating their need for compassion and understanding.
2. A Sense of Being Misunderstood
A significant part of the despair lies in the victim’s sense of being profoundly misunderstood. They feel they are not only battling the gaslighter but also navigating the emotional minefield of family interactions where their needs and experiences are consistently minimized. This lack of understanding intensifies their feelings of loneliness, creating a sense that no one truly “sees” what they’re going through.
3. Belief that Their Feelings Are “Too Much”
When family members suggest that the victim should “get over it” or that they are “making too much of it,” the victim may internalize this message. They begin to believe that perhaps they are “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Over time, this self-blame can lead to depression and low self-worth, as the victim feels guilty for even having an emotional reaction to the abuse. They start to believe that their feelings are a burden on others, leading to despair.
How Family Members Can Better Support the Victim
Family members, whether aware or not, can play a pivotal role in either the victim’s healing or further harm. While saying “just let it go” may feel like helpful advice, it often does more harm than good. Here’s how family members can provide more meaningful support:
1. Listen without Judgement
One of the most supportive actions a family member can take is to simply listen to the victim without judgement or dismissal. Allowing the victim to express their thoughts and feelings openly can be deeply healing, as it validates their experience. Even if the family member doesn’t fully understand the situation, being willing to listen and empathize helps the victim feel heard and less alone.
2. Avoid Quick Fixes or Simplistic Advice
It can be tempting to offer advice like “just let it go” or “forgive and forget” as a quick way to “solve” the issue. But gaslighting is complex and deeply personal, and dismissive advice can trivialize the victim’s experience. Instead, family members can acknowledge the pain and trauma the victim is facing and avoid minimizing it. Saying, “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you,” is far more validating than a push to “move on.”
3. Offer Emotional Support and Validation
When family members reinforce the victim’s perception of events, it provides a solid foundation for them to rebuild their confidence. Simple affirmations such as “I believe you,” or “Your feelings are completely valid,” can help the victim regain trust in their own perceptions and emotions.
4. Encourage, Don’t Pressure, Therapy or Counseling
Family members can suggest therapy or support groups for the victim without implying that there is something wrong with them. A gentle suggestion like, “If you ever want to talk to someone, I’d be happy to help you find support,” offers a supportive nudge toward healing rather than a directive to “fix” themselves.
5. Stand Up Against the Gaslighter’s Behavior
Where possible, family members should make it clear to the gaslighter that their behavior is not acceptable. This might mean addressing incidents of gaslighting directly or setting boundaries about how they interact. Taking a firm stance on unacceptable behavior can create a safer environment for the victim and signal that manipulation is not tolerated.
Moving Toward Healing and Breaking the Cycle
For victims, having their experiences acknowledged by family members can be an immense relief. It’s crucial to remember that family support is one of the most significant factors in helping a victim recover from emotional abuse. By breaking free from a culture of dismissiveness and “letting things go,” families can provide a refuge where victims feel valued, supported, and empowered to reclaim their reality. Every act of listening, validation, and solidarity counts, creating a path toward healing, stability, and a brighter future free from the exhaustion and despair that emotional abuse brings.
