🔹 1. Pattern or isolated event?

• ☐ This happened once or occasionally in conflict
• ☐ This happens repeatedly over time
• ☐ There is a consistent pattern of harmful behaviour

If repeated + patterned → more consistent with abuse

---

🔹 2. Power and control

• ☐ No clear power imbalance is present
• ☐ One person has emotional, financial, physical, or social control
• ☐ Behaviour is used to dominate, intimidate, or restrict autonomy

Power + control → strong indicator of abuse

---

🔹 3. Intent vs impact

• ☐ Behaviour seems reactive, impulsive, or situational
• ☐ Behaviour is used deliberately to hurt, shame, or control
• ☐ Harm continues even after it has been clearly communicated

Ongoing harmful intent or disregard → shifts toward abuse

---

🔹 4. Emotional effect on you

• ☐ You feel hurt in specific moments but recover
• ☐ You feel confused, anxious, or “on edge” regularly
• ☐ You start doubting your perception, memory, or reality

Chronic destabilisation → common in abuse

---

🔹 5. Accountability

• ☐ Person takes responsibility and repairs harm
• ☐ Apologies are absent, inconsistent, or followed by repetition
• ☐ Behaviour is justified, minimised, or blamed on you

Lack of accountability → abuse pattern

---

🔹 6. Freedom and choice

• ☐ You feel free to speak, disagree, or leave
• ☐ You feel pressured, afraid, or trapped
• ☐ Your behaviour changes to avoid consequences or conflict

Reduced autonomy → abuse indicator

---

🔹 7. Emotional climate over time

• ☐ Most interactions feel neutral or supportive overall
• ☐ Interactions include repeated fear, walking on eggshells, or shutdown
• ☐ The relationship feels increasingly draining or confusing

Sustained emotional erosion → abuse pattern

---

Simple distinction

• Cruelty: harmful behaviour (often situational or episodic)
• Abuse: a repeated pattern of harm + power imbalance + control

---

Key grounding line

If you need to adjust yourself repeatedly just to stay emotionally safe, you are no longer dealing with isolated cruelty — you are likely dealing with a pattern.

---