Plain-language definition
Cruelty is abuse when someone deliberately or repeatedly causes suffering, distress, or harm in order to control, punish, dominate, or diminish another person.
The key elements are:
- Intent or reckless disregard
- Power imbalance
- Suffering as a by-product or a tool
- Pattern, not a one-off mistake
Clear definition (psychological + legal overlap)
Cruelty in abuse is the intentional or sustained infliction of emotional, psychological, physical, or relational harm, where the perpetrator knows (or should know) their behaviour causes suffering and continues anyway.
Cruelty is not about anger.
It is about indifference to another person’s pain — or worse, using that pain.
What separates cruelty from conflict or poor behaviour
❌ Not cruelty
- Losing your temper once and repairing it
- Saying something hurtful and taking responsibility
- Mutual arguments with equal power
- Behaviour followed by genuine remorse and change
✅ Cruelty (abusive)
- Harm is repeated
- Harm is minimised or denied
- The victim’s pain is ignored, mocked, or blamed
- The behaviour continues after boundaries are stated
- The victim becomes smaller, quieter, anxious, confused
Forms of cruelty when it is abuse
1. Emotional cruelty
- Deliberate humiliation
- Silent treatment as punishment
- Mocking vulnerability
- Withholding affection to cause distress
“I know this hurts you — that’s why I do it.”
2. Psychological cruelty
- Gaslighting
- Reality distortion
- Making someone doubt their sanity or memory
- Repeatedly destabilising their sense of self
This is often the most damaging, because it attacks identity.
3. Coercive cruelty
- Threats (direct or implied)
- Fear-based compliance
- Punishment for independence
- Control of movement, contact, or choices
Cruelty here is about dominion, not emotion.
4. Neglectful cruelty
- Ignoring distress on purpose
- Abandoning someone emotionally during crises
- Refusing care as a form of punishment
Cruelty doesn’t require action — withholding care can be cruel.
One sentence that cuts through confusion
If someone continues a behaviour after they know it hurts you, that is cruelty.
No raised voice required.
No bruises required.
No “bad intentions” excuse accepted.
Why people struggle to name cruelty
Because abusers often say:
- “You’re too sensitive”
- “I didn’t mean it like that”
- “You’re exaggerating”
- “That’s just how I am”
But impact matters more than intent, and patterns matter more than promises.
