Writing
ASSERTIVE TONE (Clinically Regulated)
Nervous system
- Regulated (ventral vagal)
- Stable breath, steady voice
- No urgency or pressure
Intent
- To communicate needs, limits, or decisions
- To preserve mutual dignity
- To be clear, not to dominate
Language
- “I” statements
- Behaviour-focused (“I’m not available for X”)
- Clear, concise, non-defensive
Volume & pacing
- Moderate volume
- Even pace
- Allows pauses
Boundaries
- Stated once or repeated calmly
- Not enforced through threat
- Not negotiated through pressure
Response to disagreement
- Does not escalate
- Does not pursue compliance
- Maintains position without coercion
Impact (clinical lens)
- May cause disappointment or discomfort
- Does not cause fear or intimidation
- Respects autonomy of both parties
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR (Clinically Dysregulated)
Nervous system
- Sympathetic or fight response
- Elevated arousal
- Tension, shallow breathing
Intent
- To overpower, control, or intimidate
- To force an outcome
- To discharge emotion onto another
Language
- “You” statements
- Character attacks (“You always / never”)
- Absolutes, accusations, threats
Volume & pacing
- Raised voice or sharp tone
- Fast, pressured speech
- Interrupting or crowding
Boundaries
- Enforced through fear, leverage, or punishment
- Repeated with increasing intensity
- Often moves goalposts
Response to disagreement
- Escalates when challenged
- Seeks submission, not understanding
- Punishes non-compliance
Impact (clinical lens)
- Triggers fear, shutdown, or submission
- Violates psychological safety
- Undermines consent and agency
The key clinical takeaway (this matters)
Assertiveness is defined by regulation and respect — not by how comfortable it makes others.
Aggression is defined by coercion and threat — not by volume alone.
A person can feel uncomfortable with your assertiveness without you being aggressive.
Discomfort ≠ harm.
Why strong women get mislabelled (clinically)
When someone depends on:
- access to your flexibility
- emotional caretaking
- silence or appeasement
Your assertive tone removes regulation they were outsourcing to you.
Their nervous system spikes → they misattribute that spike to your behaviour.
That’s not diagnosis — that’s projection under stress.
One-sentence anchor (use this internally)
“I am responsible for my behaviour, not for someone else’s reaction to my boundary.”
