I’ve lived through 32 Christmases in an abusive household. I’ve seen firsthand how the season, which so many people associate with warmth and joy, can actually bring one of the most dangerous times of the year for someone living under the control of an abuser.
Abuse doesn’t wait for a calendar. But at Christmas, abusers often up their game — they know the holidays are filled with expectation, distraction, and emotional vulnerability. It comes in unexpected ways: a sharp word, a sudden outburst, a manipulation disguised as care or tradition.
I learned to be vigilant early. Some of the lessons I want to share for anyone in a similar situation:
- Don’t be alone if you can avoid it. If friends or family can offer a safe space, accept it. Even a short visit can matter.
- Keep essentials ready and secure: car keys, passports, IDs, important documents, medication, bank cards. Have a small “go bag” hidden in a safe spot.
- Keep your phone charged and accessible, with emergency numbers saved under innocuous names if needed.
- Tell someone where you are and who you’re with, even briefly. A friend checking in can make all the difference.
- Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it usually is. Don’t rationalize danger away.
The hardest truth I learned is this: abusers thrive on disruption and control, and Christmas gives them the perfect stage. They assume you’re distracted, that you won’t want to “ruin the holidays,” and that you’ll tolerate more than you should.
But survival isn’t about fear. It’s about preparation, awareness, and claiming small freedoms wherever possible. It’s about taking your safety seriously and giving yourself permission to protect your life and sanity.
After three decades, I finally understood that no amount of tradition, guilt, or expectation can outweigh the right to be safe. Every precaution I took — from keeping documents ready to informing friends of my whereabouts — became a tool of empowerment rather than paranoia.
If you are reading this and living in a similar situation, know this: you are not alone, your fear is valid, and you have the right to take every step necessary to protect yourself. Even small actions — a call, a plan, a packed bag — are victories.
Christmas doesn’t have to be a trap. It can be a reminder that you survived, that you’re aware, and that you can take control of your safety and your life.
If you need help, reach out now: domestic abuse hotlines, trusted friends, family, and professional therapists can help you plan and stay safe. You deserve a holiday where you are in charge of your own well-being.
