By Linda C. J. Turner | Trauma Therapist & Neuroscience Practitioner
© LindaCJTurner.com
We all want to see the best in people. In relationships — romantic, friendship, or family — we often excuse behaviors that hurt us.
“He’s just stressed.”
“She didn’t mean it.”
“They’re going through a hard time.”
But over time, making excuses becomes a trap. It keeps you in patterns that erode your sense of self, peace, and joy.
1. The Psychology of Excusing Bad Behavior
Our brains are wired to preserve connection. Social bonds release oxytocin — the “bonding hormone” — and reduce feelings of threat.
This makes us prone to rationalizing or minimizing negative behaviors. We fear conflict or rejection, so we construct stories to explain away harm.
While understandable, this distorts reality and slows growth.
2. Look Outside the Box
Excuses are comforting — but they keep you inside a false narrative.
Seeing reality clearly requires stepping back:
- Observe patterns, not isolated incidents.
- Notice how their actions affect you consistently.
- Ask: “If I were an outside observer, would I accept this behavior?”
Your nervous system — your gut, your heart, your intuition — will often tell you the truth before your mind does.
3. Accept the Truth
Acceptance is not cruelty or giving up hope.
It is clarity.
It is saying:
“I see you as you are, not as I wish you to be.”
Acceptance frees you from cycles of hurt and disappointment. It allows you to make conscious choices — about boundaries, distance, or ending relationships that don’t serve you.
4. The Neuroscience of Clarity
When you stop rationalizing or excusing, your brain and body can:
- Recalibrate the limbic system to recognize real safety.
- Reduce chronic stress caused by emotional uncertainty.
- Rebuild the prefrontal cortex’s executive function — making decisions based on reality, not hope or fear.
In other words, seeing people as they truly are restores your nervous system’s equilibrium.
5. Your Empowered Choice
You cannot change others — you can only change your response.
Open your eyes. Step outside the comfort of excuses. Accept the truth.
It may sting at first, but clarity brings freedom, peace, and self-respect.
Your relationships, your joy, and your nervous system deserve nothing less than truth.
