When you’re divorcing someone who has been financially or physically abusive, the process often becomes an extension of the control and intimidation that existed in the relationship. Understanding what to expect can help you prepare emotionally, legally, and strategically.
Here’s a trauma-informed breakdown of common divorce tactics used by abusers, followed by practical ways to protect yourself.
đź’Ł Common Tactics During Divorce & Property Division
1. Dragging Out the Process
- Filing incomplete paperwork, “forgetting” documents, or constantly requesting extensions.
- Purpose: to wear you down emotionally and financially, hoping you’ll accept an unfair settlement just to end it.
2. Financial Manipulation
- Hiding assets, transferring money to others, or suddenly claiming poverty.
- Undervaluing property or business interests.
- Refusing to pay agreed support or mortgage contributions to create pressure.
- Purpose: to maintain control through scarcity and confusion.
3. Smear Campaigns
- Spreading lies to family, friends, or even in court documents to discredit you.
- Trying to paint you as “unstable,” “greedy,” or “vindictive.”
- Purpose: to protect their image and destabilize your confidence.
4. Intimidation or “Charm Flips”
- Alternating between threats and charm to manipulate outcomes.
- Purpose: to confuse and control the emotional tone of negotiations.
5. Weaponizing Children or Pets
- Using access, visitation, or emotional attachments as leverage.
- Purpose: to keep you emotionally reactive and under their influence.
6. Rewriting History
- Claiming they were the victim or the “real provider.”
- Purpose: to distort facts and justify unfair claims.
🧠Protective Steps You Can Take
- Document Everything:
Keep records of finances, communications, and incidents — ideally with timestamps. - Go Through Professionals Only:
Communicate via your solicitor or mediator. Avoid private meetings. - Secure Financial Information:
Copy all statements, title deeds, loan papers, and business records early on. - Freeze Joint Accounts & Credit:
Stop further debt accumulation or asset liquidation in your name. - Seek Trauma-Informed Legal Support:
Choose a solicitor who understands coercive control and financial abuse — they’ll spot manipulative patterns quickly. - Lean on Support Networks:
Domestic-abuse advocates can help you navigate both emotional and practical safety planning. - Stay Grounded in Reality:
Expect them to change tactics — calm professionalism and consistency will protect your credibility.
❤️ A Gentle Reminder
You are not “difficult” for standing up for what is rightfully yours.
Every delay, insult, or manipulation is evidence of their inability to let go of control, not your failure to move on.
