Recognising Coercive Control Through Social Isolation
One of the most devastating signs of coercive control is when every close friend who knows about the abuse eventually drifts away — not by accident, but because the abuser orchestrates it. They bad-mouth, twist facts, and plant seeds of doubt until the friendships crumble. Victims are left not only with their partner’s abuse, but also with the grief of losing people they once trusted.
This isn’t coincidence. It’s strategy.
Why Abusers Destroy Your Friendships
- Isolation as a Control Mechanism
From a psychological perspective, abusers understand — often instinctively — that your friends are a threat to their power. Friends can validate your experiences, point out red flags, and encourage you to leave. Cutting you off from those allies leaves you dependent on the abuser as your only source of “truth.” - Projection and Smear Campaigns
Abusers often accuse you or your friends of the very behaviours they themselves engage in: lying, manipulation, betrayal. Psychologists call this projection. By smearing your friends’ reputations, they shift focus away from their own behaviour and create a “fog” of mistrust where you don’t know who to believe. - Divide and Conquer
Social psychology shows that groups create resilience. If you have a strong support network, it’s harder to break you down. Abusers dismantle that group one by one, using lies, half-truths, and exaggerated stories to make you question each friendship until you’re too drained to keep fighting for them. - Gaslighting by Proxy
When abusers turn others against you, they create a situation where even your friends’ reactions feel confusing and distorted. This is known as gaslighting by proxy: the abuser enlists others (knowingly or unknowingly) to reinforce the narrative that you are the problem. - Control Through Fear of Abandonment
The final psychological weapon is fear. Once every friend has been painted as “unsafe,” you begin to believe that relationships outside the abusive one are dangerous, unstable, or doomed to fail. This leaves you clinging to the very person destroying your connections.
The Psychological Toll on Victims
- Erosion of Identity: Friendships reflect who we are. When they’re destroyed, victims often feel they’ve lost pieces of themselves.
- Chronic Self-Doubt: If “everyone” seems to turn against you, you start to believe the abuser’s narrative: maybe you are the problem.
- Loneliness as a Prison: Research on coercive control shows that isolation isn’t just about cutting off social ties — it creates a mental prison where you fear reaching out, even when you desperately need support.
Recognising This as Abuse, Not Coincidence
If you notice a pattern where:
- Every friend who knows the truth about the abuse eventually pulls away,
- You hear repeated rumours, lies, or twisted stories about those friends,
- You find yourself cutting people off “for your sanity” after constant pressure and doubt,
…you are not just unlucky in friendship. You are experiencing one of the most insidious hallmarks of coercive control.
Why Abusers Do This
Psychologically, abusers fear exposure more than anything. Friends are witnesses. Friends are truth-tellers. By destroying your relationships, the abuser protects their own secret and deepens your dependency.
It’s not about the friends themselves. It’s about power, secrecy, and control over you.
✨ Key Takeaway:
When you see friendships consistently collapsing under a cloud of lies and manipulation, recognise it for what it is: a deliberate tactic of coercive control. The loss is real and painful, but the awareness can help you name the abuse and begin to reclaim your connections — with yourself, and with healthier people in the future.
