Money and love are supposed to flow in partnership — trust, shared goals, and security. But for many, financial arrangements in relationships become a weapon rather than a bond. One of the most insidious forms of control is financial abuse, a dynamic where one partner manipulates resources, property, and obligations to entrap or exploit the other.
1. The Face of Financial Abuse
Financial abuse doesn’t always look like outright theft. It often wears the mask of planning, investment, or security. Examples include:
- Prenups with hidden agendas: A prenuptial agreement in itself is neutral, even wise. But when one partner pushes for it while simultaneously creating financial entanglements that primarily benefit themselves — like increasing the mortgage or pouring money into their property — it reveals an asymmetry of intent. One partner protects themselves legally while exposing the other to greater risk.
- Debt-loading: Forcing or coercing a partner into joint loans, credit cards, or mortgages, leaving them responsible for debt long after the relationship ends.
- Resource siphoning: Using the partner’s income, savings, or inheritance to build personal assets, while withholding transparency.
- Economic isolation: Controlling how much money a partner can access, giving “allowances,” or discouraging them from working.
In each case, the victim is left weakened, trapped, or robbed of autonomy.
2. The Psychology Behind It
Financial abuse is rarely about money alone. Psychologically, it’s about power and control.
- Narcissistic dynamics: A narcissistic partner may see relationships as transactions, where love is secondary to gain. They may frame financial exploitation as “investment in our future” while primarily securing their own advantage.
- Antisocial traits: Those with antisocial or psychopathic tendencies often lack guilt. To them, exploiting a partner financially is no different from striking a clever business deal.
- Shame and scarcity fears: In some cases, childhood trauma around money creates adults who hoard, manipulate, or dominate financially as a way of avoiding vulnerability. They control money because they cannot tolerate uncertainty.
- Cognitive dissonance: These individuals can say “I love you” while simultaneously making decisions that put their partner in jeopardy. They resolve the inner conflict by convincing themselves that “everyone looks out for themselves” — stripping the relationship of its moral weight.
3. Neuroscience of Exploitation
Studies of brain imaging reveal a chilling insight:
- When exploitative individuals deceive for gain, the reward centers of the brain (striatum, ventral tegmental area) light up — much like in gambling or addiction.
- Over time, the stress-response system (normally activated when lying or betraying trust) dampens down, making dishonesty easier and less emotionally taxing.
- Meanwhile, empathy circuits in the prefrontal cortex and amygdala show lower activation. They literally feel less of the pain their partner feels.
This means that what feels to the victim like a profound betrayal may feel, to the abuser, like nothing more than “smart strategy.”
4. The Emotional Toll on Victims
Victims of financial abuse often describe a unique kind of devastation:
- Entrapment: They cannot leave because of debt or lack of resources.
- Erosion of trust: Love becomes associated with contracts, bills, and manipulation, making intimacy feel unsafe.
- Shame: Many victims blame themselves for “being stupid with money,” not realizing they were strategically deceived.
- Isolation: Financial dependency makes it harder to reach out for help or escape.
In therapy, survivors often say the money wasn’t even the worst part — it was the betrayal of trust and the realization that their partner saw them as a resource, not a beloved equal.
5. Red Flags to Watch
- Sudden pressure for a prenup, especially one that feels one-sided.
- Requests to increase mortgages or debts without equal benefit.
- Lack of transparency about financial accounts.
- Framing financial decisions as “for the relationship” when they clearly skew toward one partner’s advantage.
- Dismissal of concerns with guilt-tripping (“Don’t you trust me?”).
6. Healing and Recovery
- Education and awareness: Naming the abuse is the first step. Many survivors don’t realize they’ve been financially abused until much later.
- Rebuilding autonomy: Regaining financial independence, credit, and resources is crucial to healing.
- Therapeutic support: Unpacking the shame, betrayal, and relational trauma helps survivors trust again — both themselves and others.
- Legal safeguards: In some cases, pursuing restitution, legal advice, or financial advocacy is part of recovery.
Conclusion
Financial abuse is not just about money — it’s about power, exploitation, and betrayal. A prenup, a mortgage, a bank account — these are not inherently abusive. But when one partner engineers them to protect themselves while exposing the other, it stops being love and starts being a ledger.
True partnership doesn’t need hidden clauses or traps. It is built on trust, fairness, and mutual care. And when those are missing, the contract isn’t marital — it’s transactional.
