In emotionally abusive dynamics, mental health language can be twisted into a tool of control. Some individuals use their own supposed fragility or emotional suffering not as a sincere cry for help — but as a strategy to avoid accountability, deflect blame, and reframe themselves as the victim.
This tactic is especially damaging because it preys on the compassion of others — especially those who deeply understand empathy, trauma, or emotional pain.
Let’s unpack how this works ⤵️
🧠 1. Invalidating Your Truth with “Their Struggles”
When someone is confronted about hurtful or toxic behavior, they may say:
- “I’m under so much pressure, I can’t handle this right now.”
- “I’m mentally not okay — how can you bring this up now?”
- “I can’t believe you’d attack me when I’m already down.”
➡️ Translation: “Your pain isn’t valid because I’ve declared myself the bigger victim.”
This shifts the emotional power in the room. Suddenly, the one who has caused harm becomes the one needing care — and your rightful boundaries are recast as “insensitive.”
💔 2. Emotional Manipulation Through Sympathy
We are wired to respond with care when someone says they’re struggling with depression, anxiety, or trauma. But some toxic individuals exploit this — not to heal, but to protect themselves from criticism.
- They might cry after mistreating you.
- They might bring up childhood trauma as a reason for cruelty.
- They might threaten self-harm or use suicidal language only when confronted.
➡️ This is not to say their mental health isn’t real — but in this context, it’s being used as a smokescreen.
Your empathy becomes a leash they pull when needed.
⚠️ 3. Justifying Harmful Behavior as “Mental Health Symptoms”
We’ve all heard it:
- “I was just really stressed.”
- “My anxiety made me say that.”
- “My depression makes me push people away.”
While mental health challenges can explain behavior, they do not excuse:
- Abuse
- Gaslighting
- Betrayal
- Cruelty
- Coercion
We must hold space for nuance:
Yes — mental illness is real and deserves compassion.
But no — it does not give someone the right to hurt others and avoid accountability.
🧨 4. Blame-Shifting and the Collapse into Victimhood
A classic tactic is to flip the script:
- You bring up how they hurt you ➡️ they say you’re the one hurting them by bringing it up.
- You try to set a boundary ➡️ they act devastated, withdrawn, or accuse you of being “cold.”
Suddenly, the entire narrative changes:
- You’re not the hurt one anymore.
- You’re the “aggressor.”
This is especially effective if you’re a deeply empathetic person or trauma survivor — they rely on you doubting yourself and feeling guilty for speaking up.
🧠 From a Psychological Lens
This manipulation often stems from fragile ego structures, common in:
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Borderline traits (in some cases)
- Chronic emotional immaturity
- Learned behavior from dysfunctional families
These individuals fear shame, abandonment, or loss of control so deeply that they’d rather destroy a relationship than own their part in its damage.
📉 The Impact on You, the Survivor
- You begin to silence your own pain because “they’re struggling.”
- You feel guilty for having needs.
- You second-guess yourself — “Am I the one being unfair?”
- You stay in the cycle, hoping your compassion will eventually inspire change.
This is not your failure. This is trauma manipulation.
🌱 What Real Accountability Looks Like
If someone truly struggles with mental health and wants to do better, here’s what they will do:
- Acknowledge their behavior without excuses
- Seek consistent therapy or support
- Respect your boundaries even when it’s hard
- Apologize and correct harmful patterns
- Avoid centering themselves when you’re expressing pain
Accountability says: “I hurt you, and I’m working to understand why.”
Manipulation says: “I’m hurting, so how dare you bring this up?”
🧘♀️ Final Reminder:
✅ It’s okay to support someone struggling with mental health.
❌ It’s not okay to let that struggle become a shield for their cruelty.
💥 Your feelings do not disappear just because someone else is also suffering.
You are allowed to say:
“I see you’re in pain — and I still need to name how you’ve hurt me.”
That’s not cruelty. That’s courage.
💬 Have you experienced this kind of emotional reversal?
Drop a 💔 if you’ve ever been told you were “too harsh” just for standing up for yourself — and know this:
Your pain matters too.
