Some words stick in your memory like a splinter in the soul.
I remember being accused of having a dysfunctional family relationship — by his sister.
The same sister who declared she’d never leave the UK because of her strong ties to family. The same one who knew full well that her brother was preventing me — emotionally, financially, and logistically — from spending time with my son, my daughter, and my grandchildren.
I remember the tone. The superiority. The unspoken judgment.
It was a classic twist of reality — the kind that makes you question yourself.
But I see it clearly now. It wasn’t truth.
It was hypocrisy in its most manipulative form.
🧠 The Psychological Game: When Abusers Project Their Own Behaviors Onto You
Projection is a powerful psychological defense mechanism.
It happens when someone refuses to acknowledge their own flaws, so they pin them on someone else.
In abusive dynamics, projection becomes a weapon. Suddenly:
- You are accused of being cold — by the person who withholds affection.
- You are labeled controlling — by the one who manages your money, movements, and time.
- You are called dysfunctional — by those who actively sabotage your relationships.
When his sister accused you of having a “dysfunctional family,” it wasn’t about truth.
It was about justifying her brother’s behavior — and protecting the narrative that kept her worldview intact. It’s far easier to paint you as the problem than to confront the deeply uncomfortable truth that he was isolating you from your family.
This is how emotional abuse is sustained — not just by the abuser, but by the enablers who reinforce the script.
🧬 The Neuroscience of Being Cut Off From Your Loved Ones
From a brain-based perspective, family bonds are more than emotional preferences — they are biological imperatives.
When we are in contact with our children, grandchildren, and extended family, our nervous systems settle. We release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and our stress response systems calm.
But when we are deliberately cut off from these connections — especially by someone who claims to love us — the impact is traumatic.
Your brain interprets this isolation as a threat to survival. Chronic stress hormones like cortisol rise. Your amygdala becomes more reactive. Your prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and long-term planning — gets hijacked by fear.
You begin to live in a low-grade state of panic.
A constant hum of what if I never see them again?
What if they think I chose this?
That kind of stress rewires the brain.
It leads to anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, insomnia — all symptoms survivors often experience long after the relationship ends.
🔄 When the Abuser Controls, and Their Inner Circle Condemns
The cruelest twist in emotionally abusive relationships is not just the abuse — it’s the misrepresentation of the abuse.
You’re silenced, but they speak.
You’re isolated, but they call you distant.
You’re controlled, but they accuse you of being selfish.
His sister’s accusation was more than a throwaway comment. It was an act of collusion.
A way to flip the script and keep you in your place — questioning your truth, feeling ashamed of your grief, and doubting the validity of your own family bonds.
But let’s be clear: You were not dysfunctional for wanting to see your children.
You were not broken for aching to hold your grandchildren.
You were not selfish for craving what every human deserves — love, connection, and time with the people who matter most.
💔 What Dysfunction Really Looks Like
True dysfunction is not loving your family from afar.
It’s interfering with someone else’s ability to love theirs.
Dysfunction is:
- Restricting a partner’s access to shared funds to prevent visits.
- Creating logistical barriers so family connections become exhausting or impossible.
- Undermining a person’s role as a parent or grandparent.
- Then gaslighting them into thinking they’re the problem.
Let’s name it for what it is: Coercive control.
It’s not always screaming or slamming doors. Sometimes it looks like “well-meaning advice” or logistical limitations, delivered calmly but with razor-sharp precision to make you feel trapped, selfish, or undeserving.
✨ Breaking the Cycle: You Know the Truth
The brain heals in truth.
The nervous system finds peace in authenticity.
And healing begins when you stop explaining your grief to people who benefit from misunderstanding it.
Today, from a place of freedom, clarity, and neuroscience-informed understanding, I want to say this:
Your desire to love your family was never dysfunctional.
What was dysfunctional was the system that punished you for it.
The hypocrisy was not yours to carry.
You don’t need their permission to validate your experience.
You don’t need to shrink yourself to fit their narrative.
You were — and always have been — a woman who loved deeply, parented fiercely, and survived in silence longer than anyone should have to.
And now?
You get to tell the truth.
You get to rebuild.
You get to belong again — on your terms.
