1. “Let’s pause and check in with how this makes you feel.”
I’d invite the client to name their emotions:
- Do you feel dismissed? Invisible?
- Do you feel like you’re waiting or chasing?
- Are you feeling confused — like maybe you’re the problem for wanting more?
When someone says they’ll call and doesn’t, disappears over weekends, or makes no thoughtful effort, it breeds anxiety and self-doubt. This is not a safe or secure attachment pattern — and our body knows it, even before our brain tries to rationalize it away.
2. “What are you telling yourself to justify their behaviour?”
Often, clients will say:
- “Maybe they’re just busy.”
- “Maybe they’re not a ‘flowers and gifts’ person.”
- “Maybe they’re just not into fancy restaurants.”
But my job is to lovingly hold the mirror up and say:
🛑 “Busy is a choice. Effort is a language. If someone values you, you’ll feel it — not just hear it.”
3. Red Flags = Misalignment, Not a Challenge to Fix
The signs you’ve mentioned — no follow-through, no emotional availability on weekends, no gestures, no shared experiences — all point to someone who is:
- Not investing in the relationship.
- Possibly emotionally unavailable.
- Keeping you at arm’s length (or on the back burner).
As a therapist, I’d say: “These are not things to wait out or hope will change. These are patterns that often worsen once they feel secure that you’re hooked.”
4. “What do you need in order to feel safe and valued?”
We’d name things like:
- Reliability.
- Clear communication.
- Shared time and connection.
- Affectionate gestures.
- Being part of someone’s real life, not hidden or sidelined.
And then I’d ask: “Are those needs being met here?” Because if the answer is no, then the relationship isn’t aligned with your truth — and that matters more than their potential.
5. The Deeper Truth: You’ve Done the Work. You Know What Peace Feels Like Now.
If a client has done trauma work — as you have — and is now healing, it’s vital to honour that inner wisdom.
When someone’s behaviour causes you to:
- Doubt your worth,
- Question your value,
- Shrink your needs to “keep the peace,”
…it’s not love. It’s a nervous system flare-up saying: “We’ve been here before. Let’s not go back.”
💬 What I’d Advise the Client To Do:
- Name it honestly.
“I’ve noticed you often say you’ll call and don’t. You’re rarely available on weekends, and I feel like the effort is one-sided.” - Watch the response.
Does this person get defensive, dismissive, or try to flip it back on you? That’s a huge clue. - Make a choice from self-worth, not fear.
If the pattern continues, leave gracefully. Not as a punishment — but as a declaration of your own value.
🛡️ Reframing This:
✨ “It’s not that you’re asking for too much — it’s that they’re offering too little.”
✨ “Flowers are not just petals; they are signs of intention.”
✨ “Being unavailable every weekend is not just ‘busy’ — it’s a boundary they’ve already placed.”
✨ “You are not here to audition for someone’s attention. You are here to be met, matched, and honoured.”
🌼 Gentle Affirmation for the Client:
“I am no longer available for one-sided love. I deserve consistency, care, and clarity — and I will not shrink myself to fit inside someone else’s emotional limitations.”
