When They Control the Purse Strings to Control You
Most people think of abuse as something physical or emotional.
But one of the most damaging and overlooked forms of abuse is financial.
It doesn’t always leave scars — but it leaves people trapped, broken, and dependent.
If someone controls your access to money, pressures you to share your finances, or sabotages your ability to earn — that’s not a relationship. That’s financial control.
And it’s not just uncomfortable.
It’s abuse.
🧠 What Is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling, or exploitative behavior around money, work, or resources.
It’s used to limit your freedom, reduce your independence, and create dependency and obedience.
It can look like:
- Controlling your bank accounts
- Taking your money or “borrowing” without repaying
- Sabotaging your job or ability to work
- Forcing you to co-sign loans or give them access
- Guilt-tripping you into paying for everything
🔎 Let’s Break It Down:
1. 🚫 Restricting Access
“I’ll take care of the money.”
“You don’t need your own account.”
“Don’t worry about the bills — I’ll handle them.”
Sounds generous? Sometimes it is.
But when you’re not allowed to know where the money goes, check balances, or make decisions — that’s not love.
That’s intentional isolation.
Eventually, you may feel like a child in your own life — financially dependent, voiceless, and afraid to ask.
2. 💸 Pressuring You to Share or Surrender Your Money
“We’re in this together, right?”
“You’d give it to me if you really loved me.”
“I just need a little help again — it’s not a big deal.”
Whether it’s slow grooming or immediate pressure, this is manipulation in disguise.
It may start small — paying for dinner, covering rent, loaning money — but quickly escalates into financial exploitation.
Key signs:
- Your money is constantly drained, but theirs is “off-limits”
- You’re guilted or threatened if you say no
- You feel ashamed, obligated, or afraid to talk about it
3. ⚠️ Sabotaging Your Work
“You work too much.”
“You don’t need a job — I’ll provide.”
“If you take that job, I’ll leave.”
Work means independence.
And abusers know that if you can support yourself, you can leave.
That’s why many will:
- Undermine your confidence
- Show up at your job or start fights before work
- Push you to quit, “take a break,” or work under them
- Refuse childcare or create chaos around your schedule
This is intentional dependency creation. You become easier to control when you’re financially stuck.
🧠 Why Financial Abuse Works
Because it hits where it hurts:
➡️ Your sense of security
➡️ Your ability to leave
➡️ Your freedom of choice
And because society often doesn’t take it seriously:
- “But they never hit you.”
- “Aren’t relationships supposed to be financially supportive?”
- “Maybe you just weren’t managing money well.”
But abuse isn’t just about what happens.
It’s about why and how it happens — and how it makes you feel: unsafe, dependent, and controlled.
💬 The Truth?
📍 You are not selfish for wanting your own bank account.
📍 You are not dramatic for needing access to your own money.
📍 You are not “bad with money” — you were manipulated.
🆘 Financial Abuse Can Leave You:
- In debt you didn’t create
- Without access to emergency funds
- Disconnected from your career or income
- Emotionally devastated by betrayal or shame
- Trapped in a relationship you can’t afford to leave
✊ You Deserve:
- Financial autonomy
- Transparent access to shared resources
- The right to earn, save, and spend your own money
🔁 If You’re in This Situation:
✅ Start documenting everything — messages, transactions, changes in your access
✅ Speak to a domestic abuse support service (many have financial recovery specialists)
✅ Open a safe, private account when possible
✅ Know: You’re not alone, and this isn’t your fault
