In the murky aftermath of abuse, clarity is both a gift and a threat — a gift for survivors reclaiming their lives, and a threat to those who depend on confusion, manipulation, and misdirection to maintain control. One of the most unsettling experiences for many survivors is realizing that, even after they’ve walked away, the abuse doesn’t always stop. Sometimes, it simply changes form.
Today, abusers don’t just gaslight face-to-face — they hide behind screens, VPNs, and fake accounts. They use digital tools, familiar places, and emotional red herrings to disorient, confuse, and retraumatize their target. If you’ve found yourself asking, “Is this really happening?” or “Am I just being paranoid?” — you’re not alone, and you’re not losing your mind. You’re likely seeing through the fog of psychological warfare.
What Is a Red Herring in Emotional Abuse?
A red herring is a deliberate distraction — a false clue, a diversion, or a decoy that pulls your attention away from the truth. In emotional abuse, red herrings are often used to:
- Create doubt about what’s really going on
- Distract you from the abuser’s real motives or identity
- Trigger past trauma responses to make you less confident in your instincts
- Lead you down false paths so you question your own reality
Think of it like this: if you were a detective following a trail, a red herring would be a planted clue meant to send you in the wrong direction. But in emotional abuse and digital stalking, the “detective” is you — the survivor trying to make sense of an increasingly strange or threatening situation.
The Digital Cloak: VPNs and Hidden IPs
Many survivors don’t realize just how easy it is for someone with ill intent to mask their identity online. VPNs (Virtual Private Networks) allow users to browse the internet anonymously by changing their IP address and encrypting their activity. While these tools are used legitimately by many people for privacy or safety, they’re also perfect tools for stalkers and abusers.
They might:
- Pose as someone else
- Access your social media under fake names
- Send anonymous emails or messages
- Create fake accounts pretending to be friends or even allies
- Make it appear as though activity is coming from another location or country
And because it’s so hard to prove who’s really behind a message or account, survivors are often dismissed when they raise the alarm. This adds to the gaslighting and isolation: “Maybe I’m just imagining it.”
You’re not. Trust your gut.
Using Familiar Territory to Confuse You
Another tactic? Leveraging familiar places, names, or dynamics to blur your sense of safety. A toxic person might:
- Use mutual acquaintances or shared locations as points of contact
- Bring up old references that only the abuser would know
- Mimic the tone, phrases, or behaviors of people in your life
- Leave digital “breadcrumbs” in places you’d expect them to be, so you’re unsure if it’s intentional or just coincidence
This technique is especially effective because it hits you in your sense of belonging. The line between the past and present becomes blurry, and you begin to question: Is this still happening, or am I projecting my old fears onto new situations?
This is exactly the effect they want — for you to question your instincts, doubt your safety, and waste energy chasing shadows. Meanwhile, they continue to watch, provoke, or manipulate from behind the curtain.
Why Do They Do This?
Control. Revenge. Ego. Obsession.
Some individuals cannot tolerate being exposed, rejected, or held accountable. When their victim finds their voice or begins to heal, the abuser often experiences this as a narcissistic injury — a wound to their fragile ego. What follows is a covert campaign to:
- Undermine the survivor’s credibility
- Maintain psychological control from afar
- Punish the survivor for speaking out or moving on
- Provoke contact or reaction under the radar of law enforcement or support networks
They may never confront you directly. Instead, they hide behind VPNs, orchestrate whisper campaigns, or “accidentally” pop up in places they know you frequent. These are not coincidences. They are calculated psychological moves.
How to Reclaim Power When You’re Being Thrown Off the Scent
1. Anchor Yourself in Reality
Create a “reality log” or journal. Write down facts — names, dates, locations, and digital footprints. When doubt creeps in, come back to your log to confirm patterns.
2. Trust Patterns, Not Excuses
Red herrings lose their power when you track them over time. If someone keeps “coincidentally” contacting you, mimicking others, or following your online activity, those aren’t coincidences — they’re patterns.
3. Limit Information Leaks
- Lock down your privacy settings
- Be mindful of what you share and who can see it
- Use your own VPN or a private browser to prevent being tracked
- Avoid naming your location in posts or photos
4. Use Tech Tools Wisely
- Enable two-factor authentication
- Keep evidence (screenshots, messages, unusual activity)
- Consider digital forensics if harassment escalates
- Report abuse to platforms and keep a record of those reports
5. Reach Out, Not In
This is psychological warfare. You don’t have to fight it alone. Talk to a therapist, a trusted friend, a domestic abuse advocate, or a tech safety expert. Your sanity thrives in connection.
The Truth Will Hold
Remember this: every distraction, every digital disguise, every familiar callback is meant to unseat you from your truth. But your clarity is stronger than their misdirection. The more grounded you become in your own awareness, the less power these false flags will have.
You don’t need to be perfect to see what’s real. You just need to trust yourself — again and again — until the fog clears for good.
Because at the end of the day, you are not the one being deceptive. You are the one waking up.
