A psychological look at the unraveling of control, and how it impacts the abuser’s psyche
One of the most terrifying — and empowering — moments for a survivor is the moment the abuser no longer has access to them.
The silence.
The boundary.
The final “no more.”
But what happens on the other side — to the abuser?
🧠Abuse Is About Control — Not Love
First, it’s critical to understand that abuse isn’t about love, it’s about power and control.
It’s about dominance, superiority, and emotional dependency cloaked in charm or entitlement.
So when the victim removes themselves, cuts contact, or starts healing, the abuser doesn’t experience grief the way a healthy partner might.
They experience rage, confusion, and identity collapse.
⚠️ Common Abuser Reactions When Control Is Lost
From a psychological standpoint, here’s what often happens:
1. Narcissistic Injury & Rage
The loss of control is seen as a personal attack. Their ego, once fed by domination and control, takes a hit. This often results in:
- Smear campaigns
- Stalking or harassment
- Attempts to sabotage the victim’s relationships or reputation
- Legal manipulation (false claims, dragging out court cases)
2. Hoovering Tactics
They may attempt to “suck” the victim back in with apologies, love bombing, or guilt — often disguised as emotional maturity.
- “I’ve changed.”
- “No one will ever love you like I did.”
- “We were meant to be.”
This isn’t about reconnection. It’s about reclaiming power.
3. Playing the Victim
Abusers frequently invert the narrative:
- They claim you were the abusive one.
- They minimize your pain (“It wasn’t that bad.”)
- They seek validation from others who don’t know the full story.
This tactic destabilizes the survivor and confuses mutual friends, often isolating the victim further.
4. Mental & Emotional Unraveling
When their control is gone, many abusers begin to show signs of:
- Emotional instability
- Rage outbursts
- Substance abuse
- Reckless or compulsive behaviors
- Depression masked as self-pity (“Look what you’ve done to me.”)
They are no longer receiving their emotional supply — the attention, obedience, or conflict they thrived on.
🧬 Why This Happens (Psychological Roots)
Many abusers operate from deep-rooted insecurity, shame, and emotional immaturity. Rather than confronting their inner wounds, they control others to avoid feeling powerless.
Losing access to a victim forces them to:
- Confront the emptiness they’ve been avoiding
- Face their own abandonment wounds
- Acknowledge that they are not as invincible or superior as they believe
Unfortunately, most project this pain outward — rather than taking responsibility for their actions.
đź’Ą What It Means for Survivors
If you’ve broken free, and you’re witnessing:
- Character assassinations
- False accusations
- Guilt trips or love bombing
- Legal threats or manipulation
Please know: This is not your fault. This is their reaction to lost control.
Your job is not to fix them.
Your job is to protect your peace, continue healing, and lean on your support system.
Silence and boundaries are your greatest form of power now.
🌱 Healing Insight
“When you remove the supply, the mask falls off.”
Abusers don’t change because you loved them enough.
They change (if ever) because they want to.
And most often, they don’t — because accountability feels like annihilation to the fragile ego of a chronic abuser.
But you changed.
You grew.
You set boundaries.
And that is the biggest threat to a person who relies on your silence to maintain their illusion of power.
đź’› For Those on the Healing Journey
Keep your documentation.
Keep your distance.
Keep your truth.
You don’t owe anyone your presence, your explanation, or your forgiveness.
You’re not cold or heartless.
You’re reclaiming your life.
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