By Linda C J Turner | Trauma Therapy & Emotional Intelligence Advocate
For years, I tried to keep the peace. I compromised. I adapted. I tried carp fishing. I went on repeat holidays. I ate in the same “safe” restaurants. All in the name of keeping someone else happy. The problem? You can’t make someone else happy if they are fundamentally unhappy within themselves — no matter how many compromises you make. That is one of life’s hardest but most liberating lessons.
Eventually, I realised that I had stopped doing what I loved. The activities that once brought me joy, like exploring new cultures, dancing freely, trying new foods — they were all slowly replaced with routine, caution, and control. Not mine, but someone else’s.
This wasn’t about partnership. It was about erosion.
The Psychology of Losing Yourself
From a psychological perspective, what I experienced — and what many others do too — is a slow form of self-abandonment. In trauma therapy, we talk about the fawn response — a survival mechanism where people over-please, over-give, and shape-shift to avoid conflict or maintain attachment.
When you constantly put someone else’s needs, preferences, and comfort zones above your own, you’re not compromising — you’re self-sacrificing. And that kind of sacrifice chips away at your authenticity.
Over time, this breeds:
- Resentment (“Why am I always the one to give in?”)
- Loss of identity (“I’m not even sure what I like anymore.”)
- Emotional exhaustion (“Why do I feel so drained, even when nothing major is happening?”)
- Disconnection from self (“Who am I, really?”)
Boundaries Are Not Walls — They’re Doorways to Real Connection
People often mistake boundaries for barriers. In reality, boundaries are the containers that hold healthy relationships together. They say, “This is who I am, and this is what I need to stay true to myself.”
For 30 years, I let my boundaries blur. I gave up dreams of seeing the world, of spontaneity, of variety, and of the richness that comes with shared exploration. All because I believed the lie that “keeping the peace” was the most important goal. But peace without personal integrity is not peace. It’s quiet suffering.
True love and healthy relationships do involve give and take. But they also involve:
- Mutual curiosity: “Tell me more about what excites you.”
- Shared compromise: “Let’s take turns choosing where to eat or travel.”
- Respect for autonomy: “I love you enough to want you to be fully yourself.”
If only one person is always doing the giving, it isn’t balance — it’s codependency.
The Neuroscience of Joy and Suppression
From a neuroscience lens, constantly suppressing your needs and desires activates the brain’s stress response. Living in a state of chronic “self-editing” keeps your nervous system on high alert. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and even physical illness.
But when we return to activities we love — whether it’s dancing, traveling, or trying a new recipe — our brain releases dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. These aren’t just “feel-good” chemicals — they are healing chemicals. Reconnecting with your authentic self is not indulgent. It’s medicine.
Reclaiming Life: The New Non-Negotiables
Now, I know better. I’ve lived the lessons. If there’s ever a next time — a new relationship, a new partner — they will need to want to do some of the things that I love. Not as an obligation, but as a shared journey. Not because I demand it, but because they care about my joy as much as I will care about theirs.
And if they don’t?
That’s OK too. Because I’m finally living a life that feels like mine. Not based on fear. Not shaped by control. But driven by curiosity, adventure, connection, and love — starting with self-love.
Final Thoughts: You Were Never Too Much
If you resonate with this, know this — you were never too much. You were simply in a space that didn’t honour the fullness of you. You don’t need to apologise for wanting more from life, more colour, more laughter, more diversity in experiences.
You just need to honour you again.
And that’s the first step back home to yourself.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
