Domestic violence is an issue that touches not only the bodies but also the minds of both the victim and the perpetrator. When someone resorts to tactics like bugging their partner’s house, it’s a clear indication of manipulation, control, and the abuse of power. Understanding why a person might resort to such behavior requires delving into the psychological motivations behind domestic violence, including the desire for control, power, and manipulation. From a psychological perspective, these actions are deeply rooted in certain emotional and cognitive patterns that often come from unresolved trauma, insecurity, or a pathological need to dominate others. Let’s break it down.

1. Desire for Control and Power

• Core Motivation: The primary driver for someone who engages in domestic violence, including surveillance, is a need for control. For the abuser, controlling the other person is an essential way to assert power. By controlling where someone goes, who they interact with, and even what they think or say, the abuser feels more secure. Bugging someone’s house or listening in on their conversations is an extreme form of this control.
• Psychological Mechanism: The abuser’s need for power comes from a deep-seated fear of losing control, and the act of surveillance can be a way to ensure they maintain authority over their partner. It may stem from previous experiences where they felt powerless or abandoned, leading them to overcompensate by attempting to control others around them.

2. Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment

• Core Motivation: Individuals who commit domestic violence often have severe insecurities and fears of abandonment. They might fear that their partner will leave them or betray them, and in response, they engage in behaviors designed to keep their partner close and under their control. Surveillance can be a reflection of these insecurities—by bugging the house, the abuser feels they are preventing the victim from forming connections or planning an escape.
• Psychological Mechanism: These fears are typically rooted in childhood or past experiences where the individual may have suffered neglect, emotional abandonment, or witnessed unhealthy relationships. As a result, they have developed a warped view of intimacy and relationships, believing that possession equals love.

3. Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting

• Core Motivation: Domestic violence often includes gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their reality or sanity. Bugging someone’s house or eavesdropping on private conversations is one way an abuser can later twist information or confront the victim with fabricated evidence. They may say things like, “I know you talked to so-and-so, and I heard everything,” to make the victim feel paranoid, trapped, or crazy.
• Psychological Mechanism: The abuser’s mind is often focused on maintaining a false sense of superiority. By controlling the narrative, they keep the victim emotionally destabilized, making them more likely to stay in the relationship. This kind of manipulation is a way of keeping the victim in a state of dependence.

4. Projection of Own Guilt or Shame

• Core Motivation: Sometimes, those who engage in domestic violence are projecting their own guilt or shame onto their partner. If the abuser has feelings of inadequacy or guilt—perhaps from past actions or personal shortcomings—they may accuse their partner of wrongdoing. This projection acts as a defense mechanism, redirecting their own self-loathing toward their partner, often with the goal of discrediting or punishing them.
• Psychological Mechanism: Projection is a defense mechanism in which an individual attributes their own unacceptable feelings or thoughts to someone else. In the case of an abuser, they may feel the need to make the victim feel guilty or ashamed for things they’ve not done, thus reinforcing the power dynamic and making it more difficult for the victim to break free.

5. Entitlement and Lack of Empathy

• Core Motivation: Many abusers feel a strong sense of entitlement—the belief that they have the right to control and dominate their partner’s life. This can be rooted in narcissistic tendencies or a complete lack of empathy. In these cases, the abuser views their partner as an object to be owned or controlled, rather than as an equal person with autonomy and rights.
• Psychological Mechanism: Individuals with narcissistic or sociopathic traits often lack the ability to empathize with others. They may view their partner’s emotions and needs as secondary to their own desires. Surveillance tactics, such as bugging a home, are simply means to reinforce their sense of control and entitlement over the victim.

6. Pathological Jealousy and Possessiveness

• Core Motivation: Another motivation for bugging a partner’s house is pathological jealousy. The abuser might fear that their partner is unfaithful or that someone else is getting close to them. This jealousy goes beyond normal feelings of insecurity and becomes obsessive. The need to know every detail about the victim’s life and interactions can become all-consuming, leading to invasive behaviors like surveillance.
• Psychological Mechanism: Often rooted in deep insecurity or a fear of being “abandoned” or “replaced,” this form of jealousy is irrational and destructive. It can also stem from past experiences where the abuser has been betrayed or felt rejected, leading to an extreme sense of possessiveness in relationships.

7. Reinforcement of the Cycle of Abuse

• Core Motivation: Domestic violence often follows a cyclical pattern: tension-building, followed by an explosive incident, and then a honeymoon phase where the abuser might try to make amends or show affection. Surveillance can be a way for the abuser to maintain control during the “tension-building” phase, keeping the victim on edge and under constant observation.
• Psychological Mechanism: The abuser often thrives on this cycle because it keeps the victim emotionally exhausted and unsure of where they stand. By maintaining a constant watch, either through bugging or other tactics, the abuser ensures that their partner remains in a constant state of anxiety, unable to think clearly or escape.

8. Psychological Distortions: The Abuser’s Mental State

• Core Motivation: Many perpetrators of domestic violence, especially those who engage in invasive behaviors like bugging, may have underlying psychological disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). These conditions often result in distorted thinking, where the abuser genuinely believes that their behavior is justified or that they are entitled to control their partner.
• Psychological Mechanism: People with personality disorders often lack the ability to see the perspective of others, making them less likely to feel remorse for their actions. Their distorted perception of relationships means they believe the victim’s submission to their control is natural, and any rebellion is seen as an affront to their authority.

Conclusion: The Abuser’s Mental State

The psychological state of someone who engages in domestic violence is often complex and shaped by a mix of deep insecurity, trauma, narcissistic tendencies, and an overwhelming need for control. While each case is different, abusers typically exhibit patterns of manipulation, entitlement, and emotional instability that make it difficult for the victim to break free. By understanding these psychological drivers, we can better comprehend the abusive behavior and the steps necessary to protect those affected. Healing for the abuser, if they ever acknowledge their actions, involves addressing their underlying issues, such as trauma, insecurity, and their distorted view of relationships. However, the immediate focus should always remain on protecting the victim, offering support, and helping them escape the cycle of abuse.

— Linda C J Turner

Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment