Intimate-partner or familial abusers who drag family members into the abuse exhibit a particularly malicious pattern of control. These abusers often derive psychological “satisfaction” from others’ suffering – literally getting a reward from expanded dominance and humiliation. Clinically, this behavior is linked to certain personality and brain traits. For example, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or psychopathic/antisocial traits view others as tools to bolster their self-importance. Those with sadistic tendencies actually feel pleasure when victims suffer​ neurosciencenews.com. In the brain, dominance and punishment can trigger dopamine release in the ventral striatum (nucleus accumbens), reinforcing abusive actions​ pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Below we explore how these dynamics work – and we do so with warmth and validation for survivors: the abuse is never your fault.

Narcissistic Abuse Dynamics

Grandiosity and Fragile Self-Esteem: A classic narcissist has an inflated sense of self-importance but a deeply vulnerable ego. NPD is marked by fantasies of unlimited power, entitlement, and proneness to shame​ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Narcissists crave admiration and absolute control; their self-esteem hinges on being superior. Any criticism or loss of control is perceived as a humiliating threat. When such individuals feel slighted or humiliated, they often react with narcissistic rage – explosive anger intended to reassert dominance. Empirical studies find that “high narcissists were more aggressive than others…but only when provoked by insult or humiliation”, supporting the idea that narcissists lash out to protect their ego​ pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. In other words, aggression in narcissists often stems from wounded pride.

Need for Control and Admiration: Narcissistic abusers maintain control through constant demeaning and condescension. They exploit relationships (even family roles) to feed their “narcissistic supply” of praise and compliance. When a narcissist drags in family members (e.g. children, parents, or siblings), it often serves their grandiosity: forcing others to witness or join in the abuse amplifies the victim’s humiliation, which in turn bolsters the abuser’s sense of omnipotence. Research on dominance motivation shows people with narcissistic traits have “elevated levels of dominance motivation and dominance behavior along with inflated self-perceptions of power”​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Involving family becomes another arena to prove their power over every aspect of the victim’s life, reinforcing their self-image that they control everything.

Blunted Empathy and Fear: Narcissistic and psychopathic traits often overlap: both involve compromised empathy and callousness ​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Many narcissistic abusers show weak emotional responses to others’ pain. For instance, studies report narcissists exhibit diminished physiological reactivity to aversive stimuli​ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. This means they feel little internal alarm when they punish or humiliate someone else. Coupled with their inflated pride, this makes it easier to enjoy the victim’s suffering instead of recoiling from it. In sum, a narcissistic abuser’s worldview is “everyone exists for my approval,” and violating others’ autonomy becomes a way to reaffirm their dominance.

Sadistic Personality Traits

Pleasure from Pain: Some abusers possess overt sadistic traits – they not only plan cruelty, but enjoy it. Sadism is defined by deriving pleasure from another person’s suffering​ neurosciencenews.com. Neuroscience and psychology research confirm this: sadists often have heightened neural responses to others’ pain. As one review notes, “sadists feel other people’s pain more than is normal. And they enjoy it.”​neurosciencenews.com. In contrast to psychopaths (who are cruel instrumentally), sadists actively seek suffering to experience arousal or excitement. Even mild “everyday sadism” is surprisingly common: about 6% of college students admit getting pleasure from hurting others​neurosciencenews.com. This suggests that for sadistic abusers, humiliation itself is addictive.

Reinforcement and Escalation: Engaging in cruelty can become a self-reinforcing loop. Each time a sadistic abuser humiliates someone (especially repeatedly), the brain’s reward circuits – notably the nucleus accumbens – light up, releasing dopamine. For these individuals, a victorious or aggressive action triggers more reward-center activation than passive behavior​ pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov​pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. One fMRI study of competitive aggression found that punishing an opponent produced stronger ventral striatum connectivity (to arousal and reward regions) than simply avoiding punishment ​pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. In practical terms, this means that active cruelty literally feels better in the brain than inaction. Over time this neural reinforcement can escalate sadistic behavior, as the person chases the “high” of control and the victim’s suffering.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Tendencies

Callous Exploitation: Many abusers also display psychopathic or antisocial characteristics. Psychopaths share with narcissists the traits of superficial charm and grandiosity, but they are more ruthlessly instrumental. They are characterized by profound lack of empathy, remorse, or guilt​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. A psychopathic abuser doesn’t care who gets hurt so long as their own needs are met. Psychopathy involves impulsivity and a chronic antisocial lifestyle that often includes aggression​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Unlike pure sadists, psychopaths harm others when it serves a goal – but they may also enjoy it once provoked. As one summary notes, “unlike sadists, psychopaths don’t harm the harmless simply because they get pleasure from it… Psychopaths want things. If harming others helps them get what they want, so be it”​neurosciencenews.com.

Low Fear, High Impulsivity: Psychopathic abusers typically have diminished fear responses and weak inhibition. Neurobiologically, psychopaths show reduced activity in the amygdala (the brain’s fear hub) and very little autonomic fear or startle when viewing violence​ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. This means they don’t experience the normal pangs of conscience or anxiety that stop most people from cruelty. Without these brakes, they can lash out suddenly and violently. Many abusers also have co-occurring issues like impulse control problems or emotional dysregulation (often seen in borderline or bipolar disorders), which further disconnect actions from empathy.

Emotional Dysregulation and the Brain’s Reward Systems

Craving Control as Reward: At the neural level, the abuser’s brain treats domination as a reward. The ventral striatum/nucleus accumbens (NAc) is central to processing all kinds of rewards (food, money, social praise, etc.). Social neuroscience consistently finds that winning or being dominant activates the NAc, signaling pleasure​ pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. For example, fMRI scans show the NAc lights up when subjects win a game or punish a rival​ pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov​pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. In abusive relationships, damaging someone else’s self-esteem can hijack this circuit. Each time the abuser humiliates their partner or involves them in degrading scenarios, it can trigger dopamine release in the NAc ​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Over time, this reinforces the abusive behavior just as addictive drugs reinforce their use. In short, abusers can literally “get a high” from cruelty as their brain’s reward system rewards them for asserting power.

Neglect of Emotional Cues: Emotional dysregulation in these individuals means they alternate between intense need for control and furious outbursts. Their own feelings of shame or inadequacy are projected onto the victim. As noted, narcissists especially have blunted sensitivity to punishment and shame​pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov; paradoxically they may feel more excited than sorry during abuse. Psychopaths likewise experience little anxiety or regret​ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Without normal fear or empathy signals, they don’t self-censor the harm they inflict. Instead, the abuser may become excited by seeing the victim break down in front of family members, because this literally confirms the abuser’s dominance and provides a rush of power.

Why Involve Family Members?

Abusers who enlist family (children, relatives, or pets) in the abuse do so with deliberate motives. Each tactic intensifies the victim’s suffering and the abuser’s control.

• Amplifying Humiliation: Having family members witness or participate in abuse maximizes the victim’s shame. Imagine being insulted or attacked and your own child or sibling is watching or even instructed to join in. The victim is doubly humiliated – first by the abuser, then by the helpless look or apparent collusion of loved ones. This is psychologically devastating. It proves to the victim that their sense of safety and trust was misplaced. As one counselor notes, abusive tactics often include “humiliating, degrading or dehumanising” the partner​ womensaid.org.uk. When family joins this humiliation, the abuser “gets off” on seeing the victim utterly powerless.
• Isolating and Controlling Social Support: Inviting family to join the abuse also helps isolate the victim. If relatives side with or fear the abuser, the victim loses crucial support. Abusers may turn children, parents, or siblings into “flying monkeys” who police the victim. For example, some narcissistic parents exploit their role to “turn their children against their partner,” framing the victim as the bad actor​ psypost.org. They may spread lies or allegations that poison family bonds. Women’s Aid defines coercive control as a campaign to isolate victims “from support, exploiting them”​womensaid.org.uk. Involving family takes this further: the victim no longer has even close relatives to confide in.
• Reinforcing the Abuser’s Omnipotence: When loved ones become part of the abuse dynamic, it validates the abuser’s grandiosity. It sends the message, both to the victim and the family, that the abuser is the ultimate authority. The abuser demonstrates – often with pride – that no one is out of their reach. This can involve bragging to others about how much they can control their partner, or framing the victim as entirely dependent. Such tactics exaggerate the abuser’s sense of omnipotence and feed their need for supremacy. Psychologically, it’s a way of saying, “I own every piece of your life – your family included.”
• Manipulating Social Dynamics: Abusers may also use family to manipulate how others perceive the situation. They might play the innocent victim or the wronged spouse in front of relatives and friends. False accusations or forced apologies in front of family can twist the narrative against the true victim. For example, an abuser might force a victim to publicly admit blame for the abuse, or feign concern to garner sympathy from others. In dangerous cases, abusers even threaten or harm pets – recognized as beloved family members – to coerce compliance​ womenslaw.org. They know that threatening harm to a pet (or child) “to get back at you” will terrify the victim into submission​womenslaw.org. Sadly, these manipulations fracture trust and leverage the victim’s attachments as tools of control.

Throughout all this, it is crucial to remember: the victim did nothing to deserve this. The abusive actions reflect the perpetrator’s pathology, not the worth of the survivor. No amount of provocation justifies involving children, family, or pets in abuse. The veteran domestic violence advocates at Women’s Aid describe coercive control as creating “invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life”​womensaid.org.uk. These tactics are designed to trap and confuse – not to correct any real wrongdoing by the victim.

Key Takeaways (for Survivors and Supporters)

• It’s Not Your Fault: Remember that the abuse lies entirely with the perpetrator’s disorders. No survivor ever deserves to be degraded, isolated, or shamed by anyone, much less by family members under an abuser’s influence.
• Abusers Seek Power, Not Love: The tactics described above show that the abuser’s focus is on control and self-enhancement – not genuine care or respect. Their cruelty is a sign of their psychological issues (narcissistic injury, sadistic gratification, fearlessness), not the victim’s flaws.
• You Deserve Safety and Support: Victims may feel alone or blame themselves, especially when family seems to side with the abuser. Know that survivors are not alone; many people and organizations understand this complex abuse. Reach out to trustworthy counselors, support groups, or hotlines when you can. Professional therapy can help untangle the trauma of public humiliation and rebuild self-esteem.
• Recognize Coercive Control: Techniques like triangulation (pitting family members against you) and threats to loved ones are forms of coercive control​womensaid.org.uk. Understanding that these are deliberate strategies can help victims see the abuse for what it is: a pattern of control and entrapment, not a reflection of their value.
• Healing Takes Time: Recovering from abuse involving loved ones is especially challenging. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. You have survived manipulation that aimed to make you doubt yourself – that shows immense strength. Surround yourself with empathetic people who affirm that you are safe, you are valid, and you can rebuild your life on your terms.

— Linda C J Turner

Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment