The Real Reason They Lie About You Why those who’ve hurt us twist the story—and what psychology and neuroscience reveal about it
By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
When “Truth” Becomes Too Painful to Own
When someone betrays, abandons, or emotionally harms you, they’re confronted with a choice:
- Face the truth.
Admit they hurt a good person, own their actions, and sit with the guilt and consequences. - Reframe the truth.
Twist the narrative so that you become the problem—dodging accountability and preserving their self-image.
All too often, they choose the latter.
1. Psychology Behind the Lie
Fragile Self-Image & Narcissistic Defenses
- Narcissistic Injury: For people with narcissistic or highly fragile egos, any suggestion they’re flawed feels like an existential threat. An admission of wrongdoing would shatter the grandiose self-image they work so hard to maintain.
- Defensive Projection: They project their own shame onto you—accusing you of the very behaviors they’re trying to avoid owning (e.g., “You’re so selfish!” when they are the selfish ones).
- Gaslighting: By insisting you’re “the problem,” they make you doubt your own perception, memory, and sanity—keeping you off-balance and unable to challenge their version of events.
Shame Avoidance
- Shame vs. Guilt: Guilt (“I did something bad”) can inspire repair. Shame (“I am bad”) is intolerable. To avoid the deep ache of shame, abusers will rewrite reality so they never have to confront it.
- Cognitive Dissonance: When behavior clashes with self-concept (“I’m a good person” vs. “I hurt someone”), the mind becomes uncomfortable. Lying about you resolves that inner tension—at least temporarily.
2. What Happens in the Brain
Modern neuroscience shows us that self-deception and blame-shifting aren’t just “bad choices”—they’re underpinned by real brain processes:
- Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) & Moral Reasoning
The PFC helps us make moral judgments and regulate impulses. Under stress—or when protecting self-image—it can downregulate, making it easier to rationalize lies without feeling the full weight of guilt. - Amygdala & Threat Response
Shame activates the brain’s threat centers. The amygdala lights up in response to social threats (like being seen as “bad”), triggering fight-flight impulses. Lying becomes a way to escape that emotional alarm. - Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) & Error Detection
The ACC monitors conflicts between beliefs and behavior. Chronic abusers may have reduced ACC activation when deceiving loved ones, meaning their brains become desensitized to the internal conflict of “I’m hurting someone I should care about.” - Reward Circuits
Successfully shifting blame or gaslighting can give a tiny dopamine hit—“I evaded accountability.” Over time, this reinforces the pattern neurologically, making it easier to lie again.
3. The Human Cost
When someone you care about weaponizes lies against you, the effects can be devastating:
- Self-Doubt & Confusion: You begin to question your own memories and perceptions—did I really see/hear/feel that?
- Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly defending yourself or trying to make sense of the shifting narrative drains your energy and erodes self-worth.
- Isolation: If they spread those lies to friends or family, you can feel cut off from your support network.
- Prolonged Trauma: Gaslighting and character assassination can prolong PTSD-like symptoms, keeping your brain stuck in hypervigilance and fear.
4. Breaking Free & Healing
- Trust Your Reality
Keep a journal of events, dates, and your feelings. Written proof helps you reinforce your own truth. - Set Clear Boundaries
Limit contact or create structured communication (e.g., email only), so you’re less vulnerable to sudden narrative shifts. - Seek Supportive Relationships
Allies who validate your experience help counteract the isolation and self-doubt. - Therapeutic Tools
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to challenge internalized blame.
- Trauma-informed therapy to process and release the lingering fear and shame.
- Mindfulness & Somatic Practices to retrain your nervous system away from fight-flight responses.
Final Thoughts
They lie about you not because you are flawed, but because they cannot bear the truth of what they’ve done. Every distortion, every blame-shift is an attempt to preserve a fragile ego.
Remember: your reality is valid, your suffering is real, and your healing is possible. As you reclaim your story, you dissolve the power their lies once held over you.
💬 Comment below: Have you ever been gaslighted or blamed unfairly? How did you reclaim your truth?
🔖 You need to know they’re not alone.
🏷️ #Gaslighting #TruthReclaimed #TraumaRecovery #NeuroscienceOfHealing #PathToFreedom
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
