By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
When you’re caught in an abusive relationship, the mentality of the abuser can be just as harmful as the abuse itself. It’s not just the physical, emotional, or financial control they exert, but the underlying psychology and neuroscience that shape their behavior. I’ve lived through this first-hand, and understanding the abuser’s mentality was a crucial part of my own healing.
Abusers operate from a place of control, manipulation, and entitlement. But behind this behavior lies a deeper, often unconscious, set of psychological mechanisms and neurological pathways that allow them to treat others with cruelty. In this post, I’ll break down the abuser’s mindset from both a psychological and neuroscience perspective, drawing from both my professional experience and my personal journey through abuse.
The Psychology of the Abuser: Control and Entitlement
At its core, an abuser’s mentality is often shaped by narcissism, entitlement, and a need for control. These psychological traits are deeply embedded in their behavior, and they drive the abusive dynamics in the relationship.
- Narcissism and Self-Centeredness
Many abusers exhibit narcissistic traits, such as an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and an overwhelming need for admiration. They see themselves as superior to others, which justifies their mistreatment of their partner. In their minds, they believe they are entitled to power, affection, or obedience. Narcissistic behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurities, leading to a fragile ego that needs constant validation and control over others to feel secure.This sense of entitlement can make the abuser believe that their needs and desires are more important than those of their partner. They don’t recognize the harm they cause because their focus is entirely on themselves and their own gratification. - Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment
At the heart of an abuser’s need for control is often a profound fear of abandonment or rejection. They may have experienced early childhood trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving that created emotional wounds. As adults, these wounds can manifest as an overwhelming fear of being left alone, leading to possessive and controlling behaviors. The abuse serves as a way to maintain control over their partner, ensuring that they won’t leave or reject them. - Gaslighting and Manipulation
One of the most insidious tools an abuser uses is gaslighting—the manipulation of facts or reality to make the victim doubt their own perceptions. This psychological tactic allows the abuser to remain in control, even when their partner begins to question their behavior. By distorting reality and making the victim feel crazy or confused, the abuser can avoid accountability for their actions.Gaslighting often begins subtly. The abuser may deny conversations, dismiss emotions, or make the victim feel overly sensitive or irrational. Over time, this erosion of trust in one’s own perception leads the victim to feel disoriented, unsure, and vulnerable. - Idealization and Devaluation Cycle
Many abusers follow a pattern known as idealization and devaluation, which involves switching between treating their partner like a “princess” or “prince” and then devaluing them to the point of emotional devastation. This cycle keeps the victim off balance, always hoping for the good moments to return, while the abuser maintains power and control by setting up an emotional roller coaster.
The Neuroscience Behind the Abuser’s Behavior
On the neurological side, an abuser’s brain is often wired to prioritize control and reward in ways that might seem extreme or disproportionate. The science behind these behaviors sheds light on how the brain’s wiring can impact abusive actions.
- Imbalance in the Brain’s Reward System
The brain’s reward system, which involves chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, plays a major role in how we experience pleasure and satisfaction. For abusers, the need for control and dominance can create a dopamine-driven cycle of reward. When they exert power over their partner, it triggers a sense of satisfaction or pleasure. This feeling reinforces the behavior, creating a loop where the abuser feels validated and powerful when they dominate or manipulate their partner.This cycle can become addictive. The more the abuser gets away with controlling behavior, the more their brain craves that “rush” of power, which makes the cycle harder to break. - Lack of Empathy and the Brain’s Empathy Network
Studies have shown that individuals who display narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies often have dysfunction in the empathy network of the brain, including regions like the anterior insula and medial prefrontal cortex. These areas are involved in processing empathy, understanding other people’s emotions, and making moral decisions. When these areas are underactive or impaired, the abuser’s ability to feel empathy is severely diminished.This lack of empathy means that the abuser cannot truly understand or care about the suffering they inflict on their partner. They are often unable to recognize or respond to emotional cues from others, making it easier to dismiss or rationalize their abusive behavior. - Hyperactivity in the Threat Response System
Abusers often have heightened levels of aggression and anger, which can be linked to an overactive amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for processing threats and emotions. This makes them more likely to react violently or aggressively when they perceive a slight or challenge to their control. Even small, perceived threats (like a partner asserting independence or disagreeing with them) can trigger an overblown response, often leading to emotional or physical outbursts. - Chronic Stress and Cortisol Levels
Long-term abuse can alter the victim’s brain, but it also affects the abuser’s brain. Abusers often experience elevated levels of cortisol—the stress hormone—due to their constant need for control and manipulation. This stress can interfere with their ability to make rational decisions and regulate their emotions. The constant state of fight-or-flight also contributes to the cycle of abuse, as they react impulsively to perceived threats, rather than responding thoughtfully.
The Abuser’s Psychology in Action: Personal Reflections
As someone who has personally experienced abuse, I can attest to the devastating effects this mentality has on the victim. The abuser’s manipulations often leave you feeling lost, confused, and entirely dependent on them for emotional validation. They create a world where nothing feels certain—where their cruelty is justified by their own insecurities and fears.
The worst part is that you begin to doubt your own perceptions. Their reality becomes your reality, and you lose touch with the truth of who you are. That’s the dangerous power of abuse: it is not just physical or emotional harm, but a total reworking of your sense of self and reality.
Healing from the Abuser’s Grip: Understanding and Moving Forward
Healing from the mindset of an abuser takes time, but it starts with understanding. By recognizing the psychological and neurological factors that drive an abuser’s behavior, we can begin to see them for what they are: individuals deeply wounded by their own unresolved issues. This understanding helps take away some of the personal guilt and shame often felt by the victim.
As I worked through my own healing, I learned to:
- Rebuild my self-worth: Reclaiming my sense of self was the most empowering step. Understanding the dynamics of abuse helped me separate my abuser’s issues from my own.
- Trust my perceptions again: Healing allowed me to trust my own judgment and instincts, which had been undermined for so long.
- Create boundaries: Establishing clear and firm boundaries is crucial for protecting your mental and emotional health moving forward.
- Seek professional help: Working with a trauma-informed therapist helped me untangle the layers of abuse and rebuild a strong foundation for my life.
In Conclusion: The Path to Freedom
Understanding the abuser’s mentality from both a psychological and neurological standpoint doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does offer insight into why they behave the way they do. For those who have experienced abuse, knowing that these behaviors are not about you—but about the abuser’s own wounds and distortions—can help to heal the deep emotional scars that abuse leaves behind.
The path to freedom begins with awareness. It’s a journey that takes time, but with each step, you reclaim your sense of self and begin to heal from the damage caused by manipulation and control.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
