When the abuser is in total denial, especially because you have returned multiple times before, it can make the situation even more emotionally and mentally exhausting. They may feel entitled to their behavior and believe that nothing is wrong because they’ve never been held accountable for their actions, either with you or with past partners (like an ex-wife). This lack of accountability can make the situation feel hopeless at times, but there are important things to keep in mind and actions you can take to help protect yourself.

Why Denial is Common in Abusers:

1. Lack of Accountability
   • Abusers often refuse to acknowledge their behavior because accepting responsibility would force them to confront the harm they’ve caused, and many abusers are unable or unwilling to do that. Denial allows them to avoid shame and continue their behavior without facing the consequences.
2. Manipulation and Gaslighting
   • Denial is also part of the manipulation and gaslighting tactics that abusers use to confuse and control their victims. By denying the abuse, they make you question your perception of reality and doubt your own experiences. This is part of the cycle of emotional control, where the victim feels like they can’t trust themselves anymore.
3. Pattern of Abuse
   • If the abuser has never been held accountable by their previous partners or others in their life, they may believe they can continue without consequence. If they got away with it before, they may believe they can do it again, especially if you have returned to them in the past after previous incidents.
4. The Cycle of Abuse
   • The cycle of abuse often involves periods of idealization and devaluation, with the abuser switching between loving and abusive behaviors. When the victim returns, the abuser may use charm, guilt, or manipulation to convince the victim that things will change. This reinforces the belief in the abuser’s mind that they can always win the victim back.
5. Denial as a Defense Mechanism
   • For the abuser, denying their actions is a defense mechanism. It allows them to avoid facing the emotional discomfort that would come with acknowledging the harm they’ve caused. This denial is deeply ingrained in their personality, especially if they were never taught empathy or accountability in their past.

What You Can Do When the Abuser Is in Denial:

1. Recognize It’s Not Your Fault
   • The abuser’s denial is not a reflection of your reality—it’s their defense mechanism. It’s not your responsibility to make them see the truth, and you can’t force them to be accountable. They may never admit they were wrong, but that doesn’t change the reality of what happened.
2. Don’t Engage in Their Denial
   • If you find yourself caught in arguments where the abuser is in denial, it can be emotionally exhausting to try to convince them of their actions. Abusers who are in denial often become defensive and try to blame you, twist the facts, or minimize the situation.
   • It can help to simply stop engaging in these conversations. Set boundaries where you refuse to discuss the abuse with them. Instead, focus on your own healing and your own version of events, which is the only thing that matters in the end.
3. Seek Legal Support
   • If you’re planning to go to court or take legal action, it’s important to stay focused on the facts and evidence. The abuser’s denial will not change the reality of the abuse in the eyes of the law. Keep gathering evidence (texts, medical records, photos, etc.), and work closely with your lawyer to build your case. Their denial is irrelevant to the legal process—your safety and well-being are the priority.
4. Don’t Let Their Denial Manipulate You
   • The abuser’s denial can cause you to second-guess yourself. They might make you feel like you’re overreacting or that you don’t have the right to feel hurt. This is a form of gaslighting, and it’s important to trust yourself and your experiences. You know the truth, and you deserve to be heard.
5. Set Strong Boundaries
   • When an abuser refuses to take accountability, it’s even more important to set and maintain strong boundaries. This can mean limiting contact, cutting off communication if possible, or making sure that your interactions are only through legal channels (like a lawyer or court-appointed mediator).
   • If the abuser tries to manipulate you or make you feel guilty for moving forward with the case, it’s crucial to remain firm in your decision. Your safety and mental health come first.
6. Seek Support and Therapy
   • Being with someone who is in denial about the abuse can make you feel isolated and unheard, but there are support networks that can help you. Whether it’s a therapist, support group, or advocacy organization, these groups can help you process the emotional toll of the situation.
   • Therapy can be especially helpful in healing from trauma and understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships. A therapist can help you rebuild trust in yourself and guide you through navigating the court process.
7. Prepare for the Possibility of Further Manipulation
   • If the abuser has a history of manipulation, be prepared for them to push back emotionally, legally, or psychologically. They may try to make you doubt your decision to leave or take legal action, or they may threaten you in subtle or overt ways.
   • Stay grounded in your decision and focus on your future, not on their toxic attempts to control or undermine you.
8. Stay Firm in Your Decision to Protect Yourself
   • Ultimately, your decision to leave, seek justice, or protect yourself is a vital step toward your healing. If the abuser refuses to take accountability, it is not your responsibility to change that. You are worthy of a life free from abuse, and your safety is the most important thing.

You Deserve Justice and Peace

Abusers who refuse to take accountability are stuck in a pattern of denial and control, but you do not have to stay in that cycle. Taking action—whether through legal means, therapy, or simply cutting ties with them—allows you to break free from that toxic influence. Your healing is not contingent on their acknowledgment; it’s a journey that you can take on your own terms.

In situations like this, it’s easy to feel like you have no power, especially if the abuser constantly denies the truth of their actions. But remember that you are powerful in your ability to speak your truth, set boundaries, and demand respect. You are not alone, and support is available to help you through every step of this process.