The abuser’s feelings and behavior in the days leading up to court can be complicated, and often they will be a mix of fear, anger, defiance, manipulation, or even false remorse. Understanding what they might be feeling can help you prepare emotionally and mentally for what’s to come.

Possible Emotional Responses from the Abuser Before Court:

1. Fear and Anxiety
   • If the abuser realizes that they could face serious consequences, such as criminal charges, jail time, or a protection order, they may experience fear and anxiety.
   • They may fear losing control over you or being exposed for their behavior. This could cause them to react in unpredictable ways, like trying to avoid court, manipulate the situation, or coerce you into dropping the case.
2. Anger and Aggression
   • Many abusers lash out when they feel threatened or cornered. The approach of the court date might trigger intense feelings of anger, and they may try to intimidate you or others involved in the case, through threats, harassment, or aggression.
   • They may try to project guilt onto you, implying that you’re responsible for the legal action or that you’re the one causing them harm.
3. Denial and Minimization
   • The abuser may try to downplay the seriousness of the situation. They may convince themselves or others that nothing really happened or that you are exaggerating or lying.
   • They may claim they are the victim, portraying themselves as misunderstood or falsely accused, in an attempt to turn the narrative in their favor.
4. Manipulation and Control
   • In the lead-up to the court date, the abuser may try to manipulate you emotionally. They might try to make you feel guilty for taking legal action or try to persuade you to withdraw from the case by using false promises, emotional blackmail, or threats.
   • They may attempt to gaslight you by telling you that the abuse didn’t happen the way you remember or by challenging your version of events.
5. Remorse (False or Genuine)
   • In some cases, the abuser may show false remorse right before the court date, hoping to soften your stance or manipulate you into feeling sympathy for them.
   • If they have a history of trying to win you back with apologies and promises to change, they may do this as a last-ditch effort to avoid consequences. However, often this remorse is temporary and insincere—part of their cycle of control.
   • Genuine remorse is rare, but if they express real regret for their actions and show a true willingness to change, their behavior would need to back it up through consistent positive actions and accountability. In abusive situations, though, it’s often a temporary tactic.
6. Defensiveness and Blame
   • The abuser might try to shift blame onto you or other people involved in the case. They may say that they acted out of stress, provocation, or external circumstances, and that they had no control over their behavior.
   • They may present themselves as a victim of the situation, claiming that they’re being punished unfairly.
7. Desperation to Avoid the Truth
   • If the abuser knows that the truth will come out in court, they might go to great lengths to hide evidence, intimidate witnesses, or distract you from the case. This could include trying to make you doubt your memory, or turning others against you.

How the Abuser Might Act Leading Up to the Court Date:

1. Intimidation Tactics
   • Subtle threats or blatant aggression could occur, where the abuser might say things like, “You’re going to regret this,” or “I will make sure you pay for this.” They might even try to threaten your family or friends.
   • They may also try to contact you directly or through intermediaries, trying to convince you to drop the case, which can make you feel pressure or guilt.
2. Trying to Influence Key Players
   • They may try to influence the outcome of the case by talking to witnesses, your family members, or even the lawyers involved, attempting to manipulate their perceptions of you or the situation.
   • They may engage in character assassination, trying to discredit you to others to make their own actions appear less severe or even justified.
3. Public Displays of Innocence
   • The abuser might act like nothing happened in public or with friends and family, attempting to portray themselves as a victim or innocent person to garner sympathy or support.
   • They might even seem calm and collected, but this could be a mask to hide the fear and anger they are feeling inside.
4. Victim Blaming
   • The abuser may blame you for the situation, saying things like, “You pushed me to this” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” This is a classic abuser tactic to deflect accountability.

How to Protect Yourself Emotionally and Physically:

1. Stay Firm in Your Decision
   • Abusers are master manipulators, so it’s important to stay firm in your decision and not let them change your mind. Trust that you are doing what’s best for you.
   • Don’t engage in arguments or discussions about the court case. Keep the focus on your safety and well-being.
2. Document Everything
   • If you feel threatened in the lead-up to the court case, document everything. Keep a log of any threatening messages, phone calls, or encounters. This could be vital if the abuser escalates their tactics.
3. Secure Your Support Network
   • Stay in close contact with trusted friends, family, or support groups during this time. Don’t isolate yourself—it’s easy to feel alone, but you have support.
   • Consider getting extra security if needed—whether it’s updating your protection order or taking steps to ensure you feel physically safe.
4. Trust Your Instincts
   • Your intuition is powerful. If you feel unsafe, trust your gut and reach out for support. Whether it’s your lawyer, a domestic violence advocate, or even the police, don’t hesitate to seek help if you feel at risk.

Moving Forward

In the days before court, the abuser may try to create confusion, fear, and doubt in your mind. Stay focused on your goal of seeking justice and protecting yourself. This is about taking back control over your life and putting an end to the cycle of abuse. You deserve to be free from this fear, and the court system is designed to help you do that.

You’re showing tremendous strength by moving forward in this process, and you deserve to be heard. Stay focused on your own safety and well-being.