Genuine change should never be conditional. It should come from a place of deep self-awareness and accountability, not driven by the desire to manipulate or control the victim. If someone truly wants to change, their commitment to personal growth and healing should be unconditional, meaning they do it because they recognize the harm they’ve caused and because they want to become a better person, not because they want something in return, like forgiveness or re-entering a relationship.
Here are some key reasons why genuine change cannot be conditional:
1. True Change Comes From Accountability, Not Expectation
A genuine change process is about acknowledging responsibility without expecting rewards or conditions. If someone is only changing because they want something specific from the victim (like getting back together or stopping you from leaving), it’s not true change; it’s just manipulation. Genuine change should come from a place of:
- Self-reflection: They should want to change because they’ve recognized their harmful behaviors and understand the emotional, psychological, and physical toll it has taken on others.
- Commitment to personal growth: The desire to improve should not be motivated by any specific external outcome, such as fixing the relationship or pleasing someone else. It’s about genuinely wanting to be a better, healthier person.
2. Change Should Be Consistent and Unwavering
If someone is truly changing, their behavior should remain consistent over time, even when there’s no immediate payoff. This means:
- No backsliding into old behaviors: A person who is genuinely committed to change will not go back to manipulative, abusive, or controlling behaviors when they feel insecure, stressed, or vulnerable.
- No conditional love or forgiveness: They shouldn’t expect you to “forgive” them or resume a relationship with them as a condition for their continued progress. Change is about the internal transformation, not about your reaction to it. They must recognize that your healing and emotional well-being are important, regardless of whether you are willing to reconnect.
3. Manipulation and Conditional Change Lead to More Harm
Conditional change often leads to more manipulation. For example, an abuser might say things like, “I’ll change if you come back to me” or “I’ll stop drinking/controlling you if you agree to X.” These conditions keep the power dynamicin place, which means that the victim remains in a vulnerable position, dependent on the abuser’s whims or actions.
This kind of conditional approach can reinforce toxic cycles, as the person changing isn’t doing so out of a desire to make amends for their own growth but as a means to get something (e.g., control, validation, forgiveness).
4. Unconditional Change Focuses on Respect for Boundaries
If someone truly changes, they will not demand forgiveness, a second chance, or anything in return. They will understand that your boundaries—whether that’s time, space, or emotional detachment—are essential for your own healing, and they will respect them.
Genuine change is about respecting the other person’s autonomy and understanding that forgiveness is something they may have to earn over time, but it should never be expected. The changed person should be willing to accept that they may never get the opportunity to reconcile or have things return to how they were, and they must be okay with that.
5. Self-Awareness and a Willingness to Let Go of Control
Conditional change often comes from a place of still needing control over the situation or the victim. In contrast, genuine change involves a person giving up the desire to control, manipulate, or hold any expectations over the victim. It means:
- Letting go of past demands: A person who is truly changing will not hold expectations that you owe them forgiveness, reconciliation, or any form of relationship in return.
- Self-awareness: They should work through their personal issues (whether it’s trauma, anger, or jealousy) without relying on you for validation. If someone is truly committed to change, they must first understand that they can’t control others, and they shouldn’t expect to get something in return for their efforts.
6. Change is About Progress, Not Perfection
Even if someone has committed to change, it’s important to understand that perfection isn’t the goal—progress is. However, the key difference is that someone who is genuinely changing will take ownership of their mistakes when they happen. If they slip up, they should:
- Acknowledge it right away.
- Take responsibility for the harm they caused.
- Apologize without excuses.
- Take concrete steps to correct the behavior and make reparations.
They should not use past mistakes to justify or excuse their abusive behaviors, nor should they make you feel like you owe them forgiveness or understanding. They should recognize that their actions have consequences, and you don’t owe them anything in return for their efforts to change.
7. Conditional Change Keeps the Focus on the Victim
When change is conditional, the victim feels like they are at the center of the abuser’s transformation. It turns the focus back on the victim’s actions and forgiveness rather than the abuser’s need for internal, personal change. This places undue pressure on the victim, often making them feel guilty or responsible for the abuser’s transformation. Genuine change comes from the abuser wanting to improve for themselves, not to meet the victim’s needs or demands.
How Does This Relate to You?
If you’re in a situation where someone is promising change with conditions attached—whether it’s demanding forgiveness, asking for another chance, or promising to “change” if you do something—you have the right to question whether their commitment to change is real.
You are not obligated to stay in a relationship just because someone claims they are changing. You don’t owe anyone a second chance if they’ve hurt you, especially if they’re still trying to manipulate or control you. You deserve to feel safe, valued, and respected, and genuine change can only happen if both parties are free from manipulation or control.
True, unconditional change is about respect for you, your boundaries, and your journey. It doesn’t come with strings attached. The person should be focused on becoming better for themselves—not just to win you back or stop you from leaving.
