Owning the hurt caused

An abuser proving they have changed can be a complex and delicate process. Genuine change, especially in abusive behaviors, involves a deep, sustained commitment to personal growth, and it often takes years of effort. It’s crucial to remember that change is not just about words, but about consistent actions over time. An abuser who truly wants to change must demonstrate this through their behavior, not simply by making promises or expressing regret.

Here are key aspects to look for in an abuser who is genuinely working on changing:

1. Acknowledging and Taking Full Responsibility for Their Actions

A key sign that an abuser might be willing to change is when they take full responsibility for their abusive behaviors without minimizing or shifting the blame. This means:

No blaming the victim for their behavior (e.g., “You made me do it,” “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…”).
Owning the hurt caused: They should understand the full impact of their actions, acknowledging not just the immediate harm but also the long-term effects of abuse on you and others involved (like children).
Recognizing patterns of behavior: They should be able to recognize that their abusive actions are part of a deeper, unhealthy pattern that needs to be addressed.

2. Sincere, Long-Term Effort to Change

Words alone won’t prove change; it’s the consistent effort over time that matters. This includes:

Engagement in therapy: They must be actively seeking help through individual therapy (preferably with a focus on abuse, control, and anger management) and possibly couples counseling (only if the victim is willing and safe to participate).
Continued self-work: They should be taking steps toward healing that involve understanding the root causes of their behavior, such as childhood trauma, unhealthy learned behaviors, or addictions.
Ongoing personal development: Therapy and self-improvement work should be a lifelong commitment, not a temporary fix to win back trust. Genuine change is a long process.

3. Rebuilding Trust Through Consistent, Positive Actions

Trust takes time to rebuild, especially after abuse. Here’s how an abuser can prove they’re working on this:

Clear and open communication: The abuser must be able to communicate respectfully without defensiveness or manipulation. They should be willing to listen to your concerns and take responsibility when their actions are hurtful.
Consistent non-abusive behavior: They must consistently behave non-abusively, showing respect, kindness, and empathy at all times. A single incident of abusive behavior undermines all their efforts and shows that the change is not real.
Setting boundaries and respecting yours: A person who is genuinely changing should support your boundaries—not try to push or manipulate you into breaking them.

4. Demonstrating Empathy and Compassion

An abuser who is working on changing should begin to show empathy and compassion for others, especially for you, the victim. This includes:

Understanding the emotional pain they caused: They must be able to see how their actions affected you, both in the short and long term.
Supporting your healing process: Instead of demanding or expecting forgiveness, they should respect your need for space and time to heal.
Displaying patience and understanding: They should respect your boundaries and emotional needs, showing patience in how they engage with you.

5. Addressing the Underlying Issues

Often, abusive behavior is a result of unresolved personal issues, such as anger management problems, low self-esteem, substance abuse, or past trauma. A genuine effort to change will involve:

Identifying and working on their triggers: They need to recognize the situations or feelings that cause them to act abusively (such as stress, jealousy, or fear) and learn healthier coping strategies.
Working through personal trauma or emotional issues: If past abuse, neglect, or trauma contributed to their behavior, they should be seeking healing and growth around those issues.

6. No Tolerance for Violence or Manipulation

If an abuser truly wants to change, they should make it clear that violence, manipulation, or control will never again be acceptable. This means:

Zero tolerance for physical violence: They must understand that physical harm is never justified, no matter the circumstances.
No manipulation: Manipulative behaviors such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail should completely cease.

7. A Willingness to Let You Take Your Time

Even if the abuser is genuinely working on themselves, it’s important that they respect your timeline and not rush you to forgive them or get back together. This includes:

Respecting your decision to leave or stay: If you decide to leave or need space, they must respect that without pressuring you to return.
Giving you control over the pace of reconciliation: They shouldn’t push you to resume any form of relationship until you feel ready, and they must understand that your safety and well-being come first.

8. Accountability and External Oversight

A key part of proving change is accountability. This includes:

Allowing external oversight: If you’re in a safe enough position to consider re-engaging with the relationship, they should be open to having their progress monitored by a therapist or trusted third party.
Regular check-ins: Accountability partners (such as a counselor or mutual trusted friend) can hold the abuser accountable for their actions and behaviors.

What to Consider

Even with all these signs of genuine change, it’s important to remember that your safety is paramount. If you’ve been abused, it’s often best to take time for yourself and evaluate whether reconciliation or ongoing contact with the abuser is safe and healthy for you. Sometimes, leaving the relationship and allowing both parties time to heal separately is the best path forward.

If you’re still unsure about whether the abuser is truly changing, it’s wise to consult with a therapist or support groupto help navigate your feelings and decisions.

It’s important to trust your instincts and take care of yourself. Change, especially in the context of abuse, is a long and often painful process. No one should feel pressured to give another chance until they are completely sure that their own safety, emotional well-being, and sense of self-worth are fully respected.