If They Claim “I’ve Changed” But There’s No Therapy, No Real Self-Reflection, and No Accountability, They Haven’t Changed—They’ve Just Reset the Game With Someone New

Change is a process, not a proclamation. When someone who has engaged in manipulative, abusive, or toxic behavior suddenly declares, “I’ve changed,” yet there is no evidence of deep self-reflection, therapy, or accountability, what they have really done is hit the reset button—often with a new person who doesn’t yet see the patterns.

The Illusion of Change

People who engage in harmful behaviors often insist they have changed when faced with consequences. Maybe they lost a relationship, were confronted about their actions, or experienced a moment of discomfort that made them realize they can’t keep behaving the way they used to—at least not without losing something valuable.

However, change isn’t about avoiding consequences. It’s about truly understanding the harm caused, taking responsibility, and actively working to grow. Without real effort, their declaration of change is just a means to an end: regaining control, gaining sympathy, or manipulating a new person into believing they are different.

Signs of Fake Change

1. No Therapy or External Guidance
   • True personal transformation often requires outside help. Whether through therapy, self-help groups, or some form of structured reflection, real change doesn’t happen in isolation.
   • If someone insists they’ve changed but refuses therapy or professional guidance, it’s a major red flag.
2. No Acknowledgment of Past Harm
   • Someone who has truly changed will be willing to talk about their past behavior with honesty. They will acknowledge what they did wrong, how it affected others, and why they won’t repeat it.
   • If they downplay, rewrite history, or blame others, they are not taking responsibility.
3. No Concrete Actions
   • Change is not just about words; it’s about actions. Has the person taken real steps to improve themselves?
   • For example, if someone was emotionally abusive in a past relationship, they should be actively learning about healthy communication, setting personal goals for emotional regulation, and demonstrating patience and empathy in new relationships.
4. Expecting Immediate Forgiveness or Trust
   • A changed person understands that rebuilding trust takes time. They don’t pressure others into believing them instantly.
   • If they demand immediate acceptance and get angry when questioned, they are more concerned with image management than real growth.
5. Jumping Into a New Relationship Quickly
   • Those who haven’t truly changed often rush into new relationships, hoping a fresh start will erase their past.
   • Instead of doing the internal work, they seek validation through a new partner who is unaware of their history.

Real Change vs. Resetting the Game

Let’s look at some real-life examples that illustrate the difference between genuine transformation and simply resetting the game with someone new.

Example 1: The Serial Manipulator

• Alex had a history of emotional abuse in relationships. Every time a partner called them out, they would apologize, make temporary changes, and then return to the same toxic behaviors.
• After losing their latest relationship, Alex told friends, “I’ve changed,” but they didn’t seek therapy or acknowledge the damage done.
• Instead, they started dating someone new, who was unaware of their past. Alex’s “change” was nothing more than a fresh opportunity to repeat the cycle.

Example 2: The Narcissist’s Rebrand

• Lisa was known for gaslighting and controlling her partners. After her last relationship ended due to her toxicity, she quickly rebranded herself as someone who had “grown.”
• She started dating someone new and posted about how she had “learned from the past.” But when confronted about specifics, she dismissed her exes as “bitter” and insisted the real problem was how they treated her.
• No accountability. No work on herself. Just a new person to manipulate.

Example 3: True Change

• Michael had anger issues that ruined his last relationship. After it ended, he didn’t jump into another relationship right away.
• Instead, he sought therapy, read books on emotional regulation, and took full responsibility for his actions.
• A year later, he began dating again, but this time he communicated differently, apologized when necessary, and actively worked on his emotional responses.
• His actions, not just his words, proved his growth.

Final Thoughts

Real change is a process that involves deep self-reflection, external accountability, and a commitment to different actions over time. If someone claims they’ve changed but shows no real evidence of that transformation, chances are they haven’t changed at all—they’ve simply found a new stage to play the same game.

True growth is slow, uncomfortable, and requires ongoing effort. Be wary of those who claim transformation without proof. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior—unless there is clear, demonstrable change.