The Key Question: Do They Change?
The real test of empathy isn’t whether an abuser cries, apologizes, or says they feel bad—it’s whether they actually stop hurting people and take responsibility for their actions.
A person who genuinely wants to change will do more than just say sorry. They will:
✔️ Acknowledge the harm they’ve caused without blaming others.
✔️ Take full responsibility instead of making excuses.
✔️ Seek professional help (therapy, anger management, etc.).
✔️ Make real, consistent changes over time.
✔️ Accept consequences for their actions.
On the other hand, someone who pretends to change will:
❌ Apologize but repeat the behavior (apology cycles).
❌ Blame you (“If you hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have reacted that way”).
❌ Justify their behavior (“I had a bad childhood, that’s just how I am”).
❌ Promise change but resist any real accountability.
❌ Only change temporarily when they fear losing control (e.g., during a breakup).
Can an Abuser Truly Change?
It’s possible—but only if they genuinely want to and are willing to do deep, long-term emotional work. Change requires:
- Professional intervention (therapy, group programs, self-awareness work).
- A complete shift in mindset, not just behavior.
- A deep understanding of the pain they’ve caused and the willingness to make amends.
- No expectation of being “rewarded” for changing—real growth isn’t about getting their victim back.
Most abusers don’t change because:
- They enjoy power and control.
- They don’t truly see a problem with their actions.
- They blame others for their behavior.
- They only “change” to manipulate, not out of true remorse.
The Harsh Reality: Love Can’t Change Them
No matter how much you love someone, you cannot force them to change if they don’t want to. Staying in an abusive relationship hoping they’ll “wake up” and suddenly become empathetic often leads to more pain.
A person’s actions—not their words—tell you who they really are. If they haven’t changed before, what will make this time different?
What are your thoughts? Have you seen this pattern in someone before? 💛
