Why Hoping They’ll ‘Wake Up’ Leads to More Pain
Many people in abusive relationships believe that if they just love their partner enough, their partner will eventually see the light, feel remorse, and change.
But science, psychology, and real-world patterns show that this almost never happens.
This article explores:
✔️ Why abusers don’t change (unless they truly want to)
✔️ The psychology of abusive behavior and lack of empathy
✔️ The brain chemistry behind trauma bonding & why leaving feels impossible
✔️ Why actions, not words, reveal a person’s true character
1. Can Love Really Change an Abuser?
Short answer: No—unless the abuser decides to change themselves.
Love is not a form of therapy. It cannot replace deep self-reflection, accountability, or professional intervention.
- If love alone could change abusive people, we wouldn’t have a world full of survivors of domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, and toxic relationships.
- If love was enough, the first time an abuser saw their partner in pain, they would stop. But they don’t.
Instead, most abusers:
- Minimize the pain they cause (“You’re too sensitive”).
- Shift blame (“You made me do this”).
- Justify their actions (“I had a bad childhood”).
- Repeat the cycle of abuse over and over.
This is not love. This is control, power, and self-preservation at your expense.
2. The Psychology of Abusive Behavior: Why They Don’t Change
A. Low Empathy & Emotional Avoidance
Many abusers lack empathy or only use selective empathy when it benefits them. Some may have traits of:
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – grandiosity, lack of empathy, entitlement.
- Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) – manipulative, deceitful, lacks guilt/remorse.
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – intense emotional instability, fear of abandonment, emotional outbursts.
A person who does not feel your pain has no reason to stop causing it.
Additionally, many abusers use emotional avoidance as a survival mechanism. They:
- Avoid self-reflection.
- Shut down when confronted with their actions.
- Blame others so they don’t have to feel shame.
Change requires deep emotional work, and most abusers refuse to do it because it’s easier to keep hurting others than to confront themselves.
B. The Abuse Cycle: How They Keep You Hooked
Abuse follows a cycle:
1️⃣ Tension Building – Walking on eggshells, small criticisms, emotional withdrawal.
2️⃣ Incident (Abuse Occurs) – Verbal, emotional, or physical harm.
3️⃣ Reconciliation (“Honeymoon Phase”) – Apologies, love-bombing, promises to change.
4️⃣ Calm Period – Things feel “normal” again, making you stay.
Then, the cycle repeats.
- The honeymoon phase tricks you into believing they do love you and will change.
- Each “good period” gives false hope that the relationship can be saved.
- Your brain becomes addicted to the highs and lows (more on this below).
3. The Chemistry of Trauma Bonding: Why You Feel Stuck
Trauma bonding is a biochemical addiction to an abuser, created by a toxic mix of:
✔️ Dopamine (reward chemical) – Released during love-bombing & apologies.
✔️ Cortisol (stress hormone) – Spikes during fights & abuse.
✔️ Oxytocin (bonding hormone) – Strengthens attachment despite mistreatment.
This cycle rewires your brain to crave the abuser, just like an addiction to drugs.
- The abuse causes pain → The reconciliation gives relief → Your brain gets hooked on the cycle.
- The highs feel intoxicating → The lows feel unbearable → You stay hoping for more highs.
Your logical brain may know they won’t change, but your emotional brain keeps craving the rare moments of “good times.”
This is why victims say:
- “But I know the real them!”
- “They’re not always like this.”
- “If I just love them more, they’ll finally see what they’re doing.”
But an abuser’s ‘good moments’ do not erase their abuse.
4. Words vs. Actions: How to Know If They Will Ever Change
An abuser’s words can be convincing—but their actions always reveal the truth.
REAL CHANGE LOOKS LIKE:
✔️ Taking full responsibility (no blame-shifting).
✔️ Seeking professional help on their own (not just to win you back).
✔️ Consistently changing their behavior (not just for a short time).
✔️ Accepting consequences (not guilt-tripping you into staying).
FAKE CHANGE LOOKS LIKE:
❌ Love-bombing to win you back.
❌ Saying “I’ll get therapy” but never following through.
❌ Making excuses (“I had a bad childhood”).
❌ Being nice for a few weeks, then slipping back into old behaviors.
If someone hasn’t changed before, what makes this time different?
5. The Hardest Truth: You Can Love Someone and Still Leave
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a person can do, especially when love is still present.
- But love should not cost you your self-worth.
- Love should not make you feel small, scared, or exhausted.
- Love should never require suffering.
You may love them deeply. But if they are unwilling to change, your love will never be enough to save them.
You deserve:
💛 A love that feels safe.
💛 A love that doesn’t make you question your worth.
💛 A love that lifts you up, not breaks you down.
And if you’re reading this, wondering if it’s time to walk away… you already know the answer.
Final Thought: Love Can’t Change Them, But Leaving Can Change You
If you’ve been holding onto hope that your love will transform someone who refuses to change, it may be time to ask yourself:
✔️ What am I really waiting for?
✔️ How much more of myself will I lose?
✔️ What would life be like without the constant pain of hoping they’ll change?
Love doesn’t heal an abuser. But choosing yourself does.
Are you ready to choose you? 💛
