Abusers can reset the cycle of manipulation, control, and abuse by starting fresh with someone new. This cycle usually starts with love bombing, followed by manipulation, then control, and eventually leads to abuse. Here’s a breakdown of how it plays out, with examples:
1. The Honeymoon Phase (Love Bombing)
🔹 How It Plays Out:
When an abuser enters a new relationship, they often begin with an intense honeymoon phase where they overwhelm their new partner with affection, attention, and promises of a future together.
🔸 Example:
- The abuser might shower the new partner with constant gifts, romantic gestures, and affectionate words. They might say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” or “You’re my soulmate.”
- They might push for commitment early, such as saying, “I can’t imagine my life without you. Let’s move in together,” or talking about marriage soon after meeting.
💡 Psychological Tactic:
This creates intense emotional attachment quickly, making the victim feel they are in a fairy tale relationship. It’s a tactic used to hook them before the abuser’s true nature emerges.
2. Manipulation (Gradual Control)
🔹 How It Plays Out:
Once the honeymoon phase has established emotional dependency, the abuser begins to subtly manipulate the new victim by undermining their confidence, autonomy, and decision-making.
🔸 Example:
- The abuser may criticize the new victim’s friends, family, or interests, saying things like, “Your friends are always causing drama; they don’t care about you the way I do,” or “I think your parents are holding you back.”
- They might begin to make the victim doubt their own perception by gaslighting them. For instance, if the victim expresses discomfort with something, the abuser might respond, “You’re being too sensitive” or “That didn’t happen the way you remember.”
💡 Psychological Tactic:
The abuser is isolating the victim, trying to make them more dependent on the abuser for validation and reality. This is a form of gaslighting—the victim begins to question their own judgment and believe they are the problem.
3. Control (Isolation and Devaluation)
🔹 How It Plays Out:
As the victim becomes more emotionally invested, the abuser begins to take more control of their life. The abuser will often isolate them from friends, family, and other support systems, making the victim more reliant on the abuser.
🔸 Example:
- The abuser may tell the victim, “You don’t need anyone else, just me. I’ll take care of you.”
- They might monitor the victim’s behavior more closely, such as checking their phone, asking where they are constantly, or criticizing their clothing choices or appearance.
- The abuser starts to devalue the victim by making them feel unworthy or unattractive. For example, “I don’t know why you even try to look nice—nobody notices you anyway,” or “Why do you spend so much time with your friends? You should be spending more time with me.”
💡 Psychological Tactic:
The abuser is using emotional manipulation to make the victim feel dependent on them for their self-worth, thereby gaining control over all aspects of the victim’s life.
4. Abuse (Emotional, Verbal, and Physical)
🔹 How It Plays Out:
Eventually, the abuser’s behavior escalates, and they begin to engage in emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse. By this point, the victim has become so isolated and dependent on the abuser that they are less likely to leave the relationship.
🔸 Example:
- The abuser may escalate with verbal attacks such as “You’re nothing without me,” “You’ll never find someone as good as me,” or “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
- They might also engage in physical aggression, even if it starts subtly, such as pushing or grabbing the victim, or breaking things in a fit of anger to intimidate them.
- The victim is left feeling confused—they might still love the abuser and feel guilty for the tension, believing it’s somehow their fault or thinking that things will get better again.
💡 Psychological Tactic:
This is coercive control—the abuser maintains control by using fear, guilt, and emotional manipulation. The victim is often left feeling powerless and uncertain of how to escape.
The Cycle Repeats
🔹 How It Plays Out:
Once the abuse escalates, the abuser may apologize and promise to change (sometimes even using therapy as an excuse or saying they are working on themselves). The victim, who is emotionally invested, wants to believe in the abuser’s promises. This can lead to a brief period of calm, but soon the cycle of abuse begins again.
🔸 Example:
- After a particularly abusive incident, the abuser might apologize profusely and promise that “it will never happen again.”
- They may manipulate the victim by saying, “You know how much I love you. I only get angry because I care about you so much.”
- But soon, the manipulation and control start again, followed by another incident of emotional or physical abuse.
💡 Psychological Tactic:
This is the Cycle of Abuse—abusers use the intermittent reinforcement of affection and love to keep the victim hooked and maintain control. The victim is often so emotionally drained that they feel trapped, unable to break free from the cycle.
The Key Psychological Tactics:
- Love Bombing creates emotional attachment and blinds the victim to the abuser’s true nature.
- Gaslighting undermines the victim’s confidence and makes them question their reality.
- Isolation cuts off support networks, making the victim dependent on the abuser.
- Devaluation erodes the victim’s self-worth.
- Coercive Control establishes dominance, ensuring the abuser remains the center of the victim’s world.
Why They Don’t Change:
The core of why abusers don’t change is because they don’t see themselves as the problem. They are highly skilled in manipulating others to feel sorry for them and justify their actions. Their lack of empathy and narcissistic tendencies mean that they never take responsibility for their abusive actions, only blaming others for their problems.
They thrive on power—not love—and view relationships as a way to control others. As long as they can reset the cycle with new victims, they feel validated in their behavior. Without real self-reflection, therapy, or a desire to change, they continue to recycle their abuse.
Red Flags to Watch For:
- “I’ve changed” without any evidence of real change (no therapy, no accountability).
- Rapid intimacy—pushing for commitment too fast.
- Isolating you from others or badmouthing old relationships.
- Escalating behavior—first subtle manipulation, then emotional or physical abuse.
- Promises to change followed by consistent relapse into old abusive patterns.
If you find yourself or someone you care about trapped in this cycle, the first step is to acknowledge the patterns and realize that no amount of love or change in circumstances will stop the cycle unless the abuser is willing to change—and that usually requires serious professional help, which is rare. Leaving is often the most empowering choice for the victim’s safety and mental health.
