It’s incredibly disheartening when families—who are meant to be a source of support and love—choose to sow division rather than foster healing during times of marital conflict. When the advice given is transactional, dismissive, or encourages further division, it often reflects deeper issues within the family dynamic, rather than providing meaningful solutions. Let’s unpack why some families respond this way and how their behavior impacts the couple involved.
Why Do Some Families Give Destructive Advice?
- Cultural or Generational Conditioning
In some families, there’s a generational or cultural belief that relationships are easily replaceable or transactional. They may view marriage or partnerships as pragmatic arrangements rather than emotional, intimate bonds. This mindset leads to advice like “Just leave and find someone else,” which prioritizes quick fixes over meaningful resolution. - Lack of Emotional Intelligence
Families who struggle with emotional intelligence may genuinely not know how to approach conflict constructively. They might dismiss therapy or counseling because they don’t understand its value or view it as a sign of weakness. Instead, they offer simplistic, knee-jerk reactions that fail to address the deeper emotional complexities of the relationship. - Projection of Their Own Experiences
Family members often project their own unresolved issues onto others. If they’ve experienced betrayal, loss, or abandonment, they may push advice like “Teach them a lesson” or “Find someone new,” because they’re replaying their own pain. Their advice has more to do with their personal history than the couple’s current reality. - Favoritism and Loyalty Bias
Families often gravitate toward “taking sides” during marital disputes. If they’re closer to one party, they may justify harmful advice under the guise of loyalty. This can escalate conflict and deepen divisions, as their focus shifts from helping the couple to “defending” their family member at all costs. - Fear of Change or Embarrassment
Some families prioritize appearances and stability over emotional well-being. When problems arise, their advice may be guided by a desire to avoid shame or judgment from outsiders, rather than addressing the actual issues. For example, they might pressure one party to “move on” rather than encouraging reconciliation because it seems like a faster way to restore the family’s image. - Transactional Relationships Within the Family
In families where relationships are viewed as transactional, loyalty and love are often conditional. This mentality can bleed into their advice, encouraging one party to replace or punish the other rather than working through difficulties. The emphasis is on what someone “deserves” rather than what the couple might need to grow together. - Misguided Tough Love
Sometimes, families genuinely believe they are helping by dishing out harsh advice. They might think they are empowering their loved one by telling them to leave or find someone better, without realizing they’re undermining the possibility of resolution or growth.
The Impact of This Destructive Advice
- Escalation of Conflict
Instead of encouraging resolution, this advice can escalate existing tensions. When one party feels supported in “teaching a lesson,” it often leads to more resentment, hurt, and division. - Undermines Trust and Communication
If one partner feels their spouse is being influenced by mercenary or divisive advice, it can severely damage trust. It may also discourage open communication within the relationship, as each party starts to view the other as aligned with their family rather than with the marriage. - Perpetuates Cycles of Dysfunction
When families encourage transactional or punitive behavior, they reinforce unhealthy patterns of handling conflict. This not only damages the couple’s relationship but can also affect how future generations view love and commitment. - Isolation of One Partner
One of the most harmful outcomes is the isolation of the partner who isn’t supported by the family. Feeling ganged up on can push them further away, making reconciliation almost impossible. - Missed Opportunity for Growth
Conflict, when handled properly, can lead to profound growth and deeper connection in a relationship. When families dismiss therapy or other external help, they rob the couple of an opportunity to work through their issues in a constructive way.
What Drives Families to Avoid Therapy and Healing?
- Stigma Around Therapy
In some cultures or family systems, therapy is seen as unnecessary, shameful, or a sign of failure. This stigma leads them to dismiss the idea of seeking professional help, even when it could make all the difference. - Fear of Accountability
Therapy often uncovers deep-rooted issues, including family dynamics that may have contributed to the conflict. Families who fear being implicated in these patterns may discourage therapy to avoid introspection or blame. - Desire for Immediate Results
Therapy takes time, effort, and vulnerability. Families who prefer quick fixes may see it as too slow or inconvenient compared to the “just leave” approach. - Control and Influence
Encouraging one party to leave or find someone else can be a way for families to maintain control over the situation. By steering decisions, they keep themselves at the center of their loved one’s life, often at the expense of the relationship.
What Healthy Advice Looks Like
- Encouraging Open Communication
A supportive family encourages both partners to express their feelings and work through misunderstandings together. - Promoting Therapy or Mediation
Healthy families suggest seeking neutral, professional guidance. This shows they value the relationship and believe in the couple’s ability to grow. - Staying Neutral
Instead of taking sides, supportive families remain neutral, offering advice that prioritizes healing over blame. - Emphasizing Growth Over Punishment
Encouraging reconciliation, self-reflection, and growth—rather than revenge or “teaching a lesson”—fosters a more constructive approach to conflict.
Final Thoughts
Families who offer divisive, mercenary advice often act out of their own dysfunctions, insecurities, or lack of understanding about healthy conflict resolution. While it’s painful to experience this lack of support, it’s essential to remember that their behavior reflects their limitations, not the worth of the relationship. Helping couples recognize this dynamic—and encouraging them to seek external, unbiased support—can be a crucial step toward healing and breaking free from toxic family influences.
